


Drowning His Sorrows

by PattRose



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: AU, Angst, Bad Carolyn, First Time, M/M, Sad, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PattRose/pseuds/PattRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim was down on his luck, he met his saviour in one Blair Sandburg.  Was it luck, karma, kismet or just plain love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drowning His Sorrows

Drowning His Sorrows Part 1  
Patt

Yelling was routine at the Ellison's. Jim and Carolyn couldn't seem to have one discussion without fighting. She wasn't happy and neither was he but he kept quiet about it, while she screamed her lungs out about it. 

Why couldn't they seem to work things out? What could be so hard about keeping your marriage together? Why couldn't he make her happy? Why couldn't they love each other like they used to? 

He wanted to love her the same way again and be loved back. He had to try something. He just had to try. Maybe he could offer to go for more therapy. He would even go alone, if that would help. 

Jim's headaches were getting worse and worse. He could hardly work these days. Between the headaches, the smells and his sight acting up, things were unbearable. He went to see a variety of doctors but they all said there was nothing wrong. Story of his life. Just like when he was a kid. 

Jim lost all faith in doctors as time went on. How could they be good ones, if they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him? He wanted to love his wife. He wanted his wife to love him. He wanted to be able to work without headaches. Why couldn't anyone do anything for him? 

Jim did what he always did in the evenings. He went in and fixed himself a stiff drink. A rum and coke to be exact; with very little coke and a lot of rum. After three of these, he could stand the smell of Carolyn's perfume, the sound of her voice and whatever she would make for dinner would be edible. Jim Ellison looked around his kitchen and said to himself, "What a great life, Ellison." 

"What are you mumbling about, Jimmy?" Carolyn said in that grating voice. 

"Nothing, just wondering what you made for dinner." Jim took another drink of the coke and could see she was pissed off. 

"James Joseph Ellison, you cook dinner. It's not written anywhere that I have to do it." She turned and stormed out of the kitchen. 

He needed a lot more fucking drinks than this. He pulled some food out of the fridge and began preparing a meal for the two of them. When he was done, he went in and said, "Dinner's done." He already knew that she wouldn't like what he made. She didn't like anything Jim did. Why don't you just feel sorry for yourself, Ellison? 

"What the hell is this?" The constantly complaining Carolyn had to ask. 

"Dinner." Jim sat down and began to eat. 

Carolyn shoved the plate that he was eating from onto the floor and said, "Don't you start eating without me."

Jim got up and got himself another plate of food and sat down and again began to eat. She grabbed the plate this time and Jim held tight. "Sit your ass down." 

"I'm telling your dad. I mean it, Jimmy. I've had it." 

"I don't care who you tell. Just sit down, shut up and eat your dinner." Jim ordered and was surprised when she did so. "And what do you mean, you've had it. I've had it also. Do you think it's been a wonderful life being married to you? This isn't a one-way street, Caro. We're both fucking up our lives." 

This is how it went almost every night at the Ellison's. While watching television one evening, Jim was pretty much drunker than a skunk when the phone rang. "Ellison." 

"Jim, we've got a body. I need you." Captain Simon Banks was his boss and friend. 

"I'll be there as soon as possible, Sir." Jim hung up and dialed for a cab. He knew he couldn't drive in his condition. When it got there he climbed in and gave the guy the address.   
Simon saw a cab pull up in front of this house and wondered who it was. Seeing Jim Ellison getting out was a bit of a surprise. Then he saw him walk to the scene and knew why he had called for a cab. Simon was going to have to talk to his detective about some of his off-duty behavior. Simon wondered where his job stood with Jim. Did he tell him to try and cut back as a friend or as a boss? This was going to be tough. 

Jim talked to Dan Wolf and they discussed what they thought might have happened and started working a theory right away. Dan also knew that Jim had a drinking problem, but it seemed to make him able to figure things out easier, if that made any sense at all. 

Brown walked over and said, "Hey! Partying tonight?" 

"No, I had a couple of rum drinks is all." Jim answered, not defending himself, just answering him. 

Rafe walked by and asked, "So how is Carolyn doing with all of this mess?" 

Jim looked at him strangely and asked, "What mess?" 

"Sorry. Nothing." Rafe tried to get out of Jim's reach but was too slow. Jim grabbed him and asked, "Please tell me what you're talking about?" 

"I heard her telling some woman in forensics that she filed for divorce and was leaving you. You were abusive. She said that, I didn't." Rafe added. 

"I've never hurt her. Never. I wouldn't hurt her if she was trying to kill me. God, I can't believe she didn't tell me." Jim stumbled over to Simon and asked, "May I go home, sir?" 

"Joel, can you take Jim home?" Simon called out. 

"Sure, I'll be right there." Joel hurried up with what he was doing and then led the way out to his car. 

"How you doing, Jim?" Joel asked as they drove down the road. 

"Joel, I heard about the divorce papers, so you can stop the small talk." 

"Jim, I was asking how you were doing. That's all." Joel had his feelings hurt and Jim knew it. 

"I'm sorry, Joel. I just feel like I'm fucked no matter what lately." 

"Jim, why don't you go and see my therapist. He's wonderful. Very young, but very good." 

"I just know that you aren't suggesting that I go and see a shrink." Jim almost laughed at that. 

"Yup, that's what I'm suggesting. If things get to be too much, I want you to call for an appointment. He's great. He's the one that got me over the fear of explosives and bomb detonation." 

"Fine, Joel, what's his name?" Jim asked looking at the big smile on Joel's face. 

"Here's his card. Call him, Jim. He'll change your life." Joel pulled up to the loft and let Jim out. Joel felt like maybe Jim might seek some help. He whistled all the way back to the crime scene. 

Jim sat nursing his drink all night long waiting for Carolyn. She finally got home that next morning and Jim smelled the reason why. His heart broke all the more. He couldn't believe she would flaunt that in his face. 

He knew that she wasn't going to stay with him. She knew she wasn't going to stay loyal to him, but did she have to bring the scent home with her? It was like his heart was torn out and she was doing a tap dance on it while it was lying on the floor. 

"Carolyn, you know that I love you. I've been trying. But there's something wrong with me and I can't believe you didn't talk to me first before you decided what was going to happen with our lives. You smell like him. How could you bring that smell into our home today?" Jim looked sadder than Carolyn had ever seen. 

"Don't flatter yourself, Jimmy. I've been in love with someone else for about four months now. I'm only human. You can't take care of me, so I found someone that could. Sorry, but that's life." Carolyn went upstairs to pack her bags. 

Jim sat on the sofa in a deep depression. He knew he had to go to work, but he wasn't sure he could. He walked up the stairs to get his things and Carolyn gave him nasty looks the whole time he was there. It was getting harder and harder each day to do the easy things. Just making himself go to work was a major chore. No wonder Caro was leaving. 

When he got into the shower he thought about calling that doctor but realized he hated doctors and why try another one that wouldn't help. While he was in the shower he heard Carolyn calling a man name Murdock and the things they talked about were not things Jim wanted to hear. 

He got out of the shower, dried off and then walked naked out into the living room. That was the only thing Jim was sure of these days. He had a 'to die for body' from all of his working out. He watched Carolyn in the mirror across from him and she was very interested. He sniffed the air and could tell she was aroused. She wasn't the only one. Jim was aroused, too. He could pound nails with his damn dick. 

He took the phone out of Carolyn's hand and hung it up and then led her upstairs. Jim was getting ready to make love to his wife and she stopped him. "Jimmy, I can't do this. I'm in love with someone and it's not you. You look fantastic. You're a nice person, but I can't count on you to be normal." 

"You're calling me fucking abnormal?" Jim shouted as he jumped off the bed. Jim realized at this point that she was just like his father. 

"Jimmy, come here and I'll take care of that for you. Lord knows when you'll have one again." 

Jim rushed down the stairs to the bathroom, got dressed and yelled up to Carolyn, "Don't forget to put your key on the counter." Then he walked out of his once happy home. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

For the next six months everyone noticed Jim Ellison going downhill. Simon walked to his doorway and said, "Ellison, my office, please?" 

Jim got up and put his sunglasses on as he entered Simon's office. "Sorry for the shades but bright lights seem to hurt my eyes these days. 

"Jim, you've been to the eye doctor four times. He said there is nothing wrong." 

"Well, there is. I'm not fucking nuts." Jim shouted. Everyone in the bullpen looked over and Simon made an I'm okay sign and Jim realized they all thought he was going to hurt Simon. 

"Simon, did they think I was going to hurt you?" 

"Probably so, Jim." 

"I'm that bad?" 

"You're that bad." Simon looked out the window for a moment and said, "I have some bad news." 

"Something happened to Carolyn?" Jim was up and scared to death. 

"Jim, it's not Carolyn. She's not your wife any longer. She got married last month." Simon almost whispered. 

"Fuck..." Jim sunk into the sofa and held his head in his hands. 

"Time to move on for you, Jim." 

"I know. I'm trying, Simon." 

"Well, here's the bad news. I've got to suspend you." 

"God, Simon, please don't do that. Please?" Jim was pleading and on the verge of breaking down. 

"Then you have to do something for me."   
"Anything, anything." 

"You'll start seeing a shrink." Simon waited for him to scream at him. 

"Okay, I have a card from Joel. I'll find it and make an appointment." Jim stood up like he was over the hard part. 

"The therapist has to contact me and tell me what he or she thinks and we'll go from there." 

"I'll do it, Simon, as soon as I get home to get the card." Jim started to walk to his desk. 

"Jim, get the number from Joel now. We're not waiting. I want you to see him as soon as possible. In the mean time you're suspended with pay. Consider it a little holiday." Simon wasn't kidding around. Jim knew that he meant business. 

Jim walked to Joel's office and came walking out with a paper and sat at his desk. He picked up his phone and dialed and waited for someone to answer. 

"Dr. Sandburg's office, may I help you?" 

"Yes, I need to make an appointment." Jim said as softly as he could. 

"Sure. I've got a 10:00 opening tomorrow. Would that work for you?" 

"I guess so." Jim was starting to chicken out. 

"Okay. What's your name?" 

"I have to give you my name?" 

"Well, it makes it easier for us to know who's coming in and who isn't." she teased. "Just give me your first name if it bothers you doing otherwise." 

"What's your name?" Jim asked her. 

"Sheryl, and you are?" 

"Hi, Sheryl, I'm Jim. I'll be there at 10:00." Jim hung up the phone and then went to tell Simon when his appointment was. 

"Good. Because if you hadn't have gotten an appointment, I would have put you on permanent suspension." Simon ranted again. 

"Sir, Joel says this guy is really good." Jim raved for his new doctor and then wondered why. It must be the actions of a totally desperate man. 

"He better be, Ellison. Now go and clean out your desk and go home." 

Jim sat at his desk and was almost done when the phone rang. "Ellison." 

"Jimmy?" 

"Carolyn, are you all right?" 

"I'm fine, honey, but I need a place to stay for a few nights. Our apartment is being painted. So could we stay with you?" 

In shock Jim answered, "I guess." 

"Thank you, honey. Murdock is dying to meet you." Carolyn disconnected before Jim came to his senses. 

That night they got there and Jim met the man that was taking his place and was disheartened. He was taller than Jim. Stronger than Jim and much younger than Jim. 

"So Jimmy, we'll take the bedroom upstairs since we're a couple. You'll probably be more comfortable in the office, sleeping all alone. 

Still Jim continued to not say anything. He just stood there like an idiot, wanting to tell her how much he missed her. How much he loved her and how much he wanted her. 

"Hey, Ellison, can I have a word with you?" Murdock asked. 

"What?" 

"I see how you're looking at Carolyn. If you want in on some of it tonight, then come on up." 

"No, I don't want in on some of it. Carolyn, do you know what he just said?" 

"Jimmy, I asked him to invite you. We'd love to have a night with you. Think it over." The bitch taking over Carolyn's body seemed thrilled about it. 

"No, thank you. I'm going to my assigned room." Jim walked into the office and slammed the doors. He had just put those doors up and now he was trying to break them. He really needed to control his temper. 

He slipped back out to make himself another drink and the lovebirds were making out half naked on the sofa. Jim groaned as he walked into the office. 

Jim couldn't believe the pain that he was feeling in his chest at this very moment. Didn't Carolyn ever feel anything for him? Wouldn't she know that he could be hurt by her making out with her new husband under Jim's roof? So if she knew, would that mean she just doesn't care? Now Jim needed to figure out if he could live with that knowledge. God, he loved her. 

Joel came over to visit that night and Carolyn, once she had pulled herself together, answered the door and showed Joel to the office. 

"What the fuck is going on, Jim?" 

"They needed a place to stay for two nights while they get their place painted. She felt comfortable here." Jim was trying to explain. 

"Throw them out, Jim. Good luck with the doctor tomorrow." Joel then left. He was so angry at Carolyn he could hardly stand it. He didn't even tell Jim why he had stopped by, other than to tell him good luck with the doctor. He had wanted to tell Jim how everyone was asking about him. They all missed him. But he wasn't going to tell him now. No sir! Joel was pissed and would stay pissed for a day or two. Then he would call and tell Jim how they all felt about him. 

That night Jim was sound asleep when he heard the door open and saw a naked Murdock walk in the door. He sat on the bed and took Jim's hand and ran it across his cock. 

"Unless you want me to shoot the fucker off, you better get away from me." Jim growled.

"You looked like you wanted it." 

"Well, I don't. Go and fuck your wife." Jim was shouting by this time. 

Carolyn walked in and said, "Docky, what are you doing?" 

"I came down to see if I could make Jim feel better. I knew how worried you were." the idiot boy said. 

"Bullshit! Carolyn, he took my hand and put it on his cock while he thought I was sleeping." Jim was very agitated about this now.

"Docky, get upstairs and we'll deal with this in a moment." Carolyn pointed and commanded. 

"Jimmy, he would like to be with you. Please come up? I want you, too." Caro stood and said, "It could be like it used to be. I want to feel you inside of me and he wants you." She then walked back upstairs. 

Jim watched her leave and realized he was tempted to do it. He didn't want to be with Murdock but he wanted his wife something fierce. He wanted to be inside of her. He wanted her to want him again. He grabbed the card with Dr. Sandburg's number on it and called and left a message. He made sure and tell the girl that it wasn't an emergency.

The phone rang about ten minutes later and Jim was just about asleep. "Ellison." 

"Jim Ellison? This is Dr. Sandburg." 

"You didn't have to call in the middle of the night." Jim said quietly. 

"Well, if you were upset enough to call me in the middle of the night, then I felt I should call you." Sandburg had a beautiful voice. 

So Jim told him he would be seeing the doctor tomorrow, but he needed some advice tonight. He explained about his wife getting remarried and how they were staying up in his room right now. Then he told him about the new husband making a play for him and Carolyn's reaction to it. When he was finally done he held his breath waiting to hear what this doctor would say. 

"Jim, may I call you Jim?" 

"Sure." 

"Jim, set the phone down, walk up those stairs and tell your ex-wife and new husband to get the fuck out of your house. Now!" Sandburg was very angry.

Jim set the phone down and did just what the doctor told him to do. "Jimmy, what has gotten into you? Have you lost what little sense you had?" 

"Just get out, Carolyn. Now." Jim started walking away and Murdock said, "I could kick your ass, so you better watch your step." 

"You can try, but you better pack a lunch. Now get out of my home." Jim stood holding on to the door as they walked out, half-dressed and very pissed off. Jim slammed the door behind them and felt 100% better about everything already. 

Jim walked back into the office and picked up the phone. "Done. They're a done deal. Thank you. The only thing that went wrong is that I got a boner. And I can't believe I just told you that." 

"Well, maybe I make you comfortable, and Jim, you know how to handle those, right?" Dr. Sandburg had a smile in his voice. Jim could hear it. 

"Actually, since I've had problems, I can't seem to get off. So I have a constant boner or I can't get it up at all." Jim pulled his boxers down and started stroking as he talked to Dr. Sandburg. 

"Well, what do you like?" 

"What do you mean?" Jim asked. 

"What types of women do you like? And what do you like done to you?" 

"Oh... Well, could you just talk to me? It relaxes me like nothing else. Talk to me. Please?" Jim wanted to come in the worst way. No, the best way. 

So Sandburg started to talk to Jim and told him what they probably would do the next day and Sandburg heard Jim moan, very vociferously. The doctor wasn't quite sure how to take that. 

"So I'll see you tomorrow at 10:00?" Jim hoped that he hadn't ruined things. 

"I guess so." Dr. Sandburg was out of his league and knew it. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

10:00 a.m. 

Jim was a nervous wreck. He didn't like doctors, they didn't like him and they always said the same thing. "There's nothing wrong with you." 

He sat in the waiting room anxious and shaking. He kept crossing and uncrossing his legs. The woman at the desk smiled a few times. She loved new patients. They were just too engaging. 

Finally the door opened and a young man walked out. "Jim Ellison?" 

Jim stood up and was thinking of making a mad dash for the door. Dr. Sandburg must have read it, too. "No fair leaving without even giving me a chance." 

Jim smiled and followed the young man into his office. Jim looked around at the immense room, with the small amount of furniture. On the walls were tribal masks and other types of things from an archeological dig. I wonder what this man did before? 

"Sit down, Jim. Wherever you're most comfortable." Sandburg spoke finally. "Like my office?" 

"I'm a little surprised at the size of this place, but yet you have so little furniture. I love the art on the walls." Jim was still looking at everything. 

"No one ever mentions the art. Good eye, Jim." 

"I have two." Jim smiled at him. 

"Yes, you do. And the reason this place is so large is because it's cheap. I don't charge as much as some doctors, so I cut down overhead with this warehouse turned into an office." 

"You did a great job. It looks terrific. I really love the two masks that are from Peru. When did you get them?" Jim again was still checking out everything on the walls.

"How do you know they're from Peru?" 

"I was there for about 18 months and I came in contact with a tribe. So I'm familiar with all of their markings. They're beautiful." Jim finally looked at Sandburg and smiled. 

"Jim, you have a wonderful smile. Now we're going to work on that each week." 

"I have to come again?" Jim complained. 

"Well, Jim, we haven't even tackled anything today. So of course you have to come back." Sandburg stood up and looked out the window. "When you're prepared to begin talking to me, I'm here. I mean actually talking." 

"I thought we were talking." Jim said quietly. 

"We are, but we need to move past the wall art. When we start discussing you, then we're on the right track." Sandburg sat back down behind his desk. 

"Well, I've been messing up at work, my wife dumped me, got remarried and I'm a drunk." Jim got it all out in one gulp of air. 

"Well, let's attack one thing at a time. Why do you think your ex-wife dumped you, as you so eloquently put it?" 

"I was having a lot of trouble with things and I couldn't seem to keep an erection." 

"Jim, that told me nothing. Things? What things? And do you think that you should leave someone just because they can't get an erection?" 

"Okay, things. Hmmmm. Like unexpectedly I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her because of her perfume. I asked her to stop wearing it and she told me to get a grip. The only way I could be around her is if I was intoxicated. For some reason, booze seems to calm my senses down. And then there was the eating. God, I used to love her cooking but then everything tasted like rubbish. So I had to be inebriated for that as well. Her voice became like fingernails on a chalk board. The headaches were immeasurable. Oh and let's not forget how many times I went to see an eye doctor, only to have them laugh when I left their office. They would make fun of me. Bright lights and sunshine were causing such pain, it was unreal, and for some reason they thought it was a friggin riot. Well, does this get you started, Dr. Sandburg?" Jim sounded wounded. 

"I have a lot of things to say now, Jim. First of all, my name is Blair. Please call me that, okay?" 

"Okay, Blair. That's a nice name." 

"I usually get, wow, that's a girl's name." He laughed at the look on Jim's face. "Okay, here we go. First of all, how would you know if they made fun of you when you left the office?" 

"Oh, did I leave that part out? How forgetful of me. I can hear what no one else can. All of my senses are heightened. At first I thought just a little, but it got worse and worse. Now I can't function." Jim had his head in his hands. 

"Jim, I need you to look at me while we talk. That's important. You seem to have a problem with enhanced senses. I don't really see this as a problem. That's good for me, since it was my thesis for my degree. I studied a full blown Sentinel while I was in Peru." 

"What is a full blown Sentinel?" 

"What, I imagine, you are." 

"What?" 

"I'm going to give you a book to start reading and I want you to make notes of everything that has to do with you. Your ex-wife should have been more supportive, but then, everyone should have. Even your boss." 

"Simon's been great. You don't know how many times he's called me to a crime scene and I was drunk off my ass." Jim said shamefully. 

"Well, we'll get the drinking controlled later. But right now, let's focus on your senses. What do you smell right now?" Blair watched Jim close his eyes and take a sniff. 

"I smell you, I think you used some type of oatmeal soap this morning, leather, other people and someone has been ejaculating in this office." Jim opened his eyes and saw a blushing Blair. 

"Jim, that was three days ago." 

"Well, to my nose, it's like it was three minutes ago." 

"Your ex-wife is a vindictive woman and I really think you should stay away from her for now." Blair said out of the blue. "I'm sorry. That was unnecessary for me to say. Forgive me. 

"Forgiven, Blair. I try and keep a pleasant relationship between she and I. She's all I have." 

"No other family?" Blair asked, taking notes. 

"I haven't seen my dad or my brother, Steven, in years." 

"What state do they live in?" Blair inquired, hoping to learn something about this man. 

"They live in Cascade. I just haven't seen them." Jim wasn't looking at Blair again. 

"And why do you not see them?" 

"Because it would just make my father realize he was right about me being a freak. So I stay away from him." Jim sighed as he looked up at Blair. 

"But what about your brother? Don't you ever want to see him again?" 

"Yeah, I miss Steven. But he works with my dad so I made my choice. It has to be this way. I wish things could be different. I wish sometimes that I could pretend we're a real family and go for Sunday dinner." 

"Jim, maybe someday that will actually happen. Don't give up yet." 

"Blair, I'm a little old to finally get my family back. I've learned to deal with it. Now you do the same." 

"Touché." Blair wasn't happy with this but would have to think about it. 

"Everything will be fine, Blair. You'll see." Jim was still looking at the floor. 

"Jim, why do you keep looking at the floor and not at me?" 

"I need to leave, I'm sorry." Jim stood up. 

Blair said, "Did I say something to cause offense?" 

"No, I'm getting shaky. I need a drink. I'm sorry." And like that Jim was out of Blair's office. 

"Shit, he didn't take the damn book. Sheryl, did Jim Ellison give his address?" Blair yelled out his door. 

She brought his sheet and said, "No. He left that empty. I think he's going to be a hard one. I asked him to fill it in three times. He doesn't want to be found." 

"When is his next appointment?" 

"Tomorrow, at 11:00, so you'll see him then." Sheryl moved back to her desk and Blair resumed making notes in Jim's file. Sheryl was right. He was going to give them a run for their money. 

Jim got home and felt somewhat better about talking to someone that didn't think he was insane. Dr. Sandburg might work out. He had to remember that he had another appointment tomorrow. He mixed up a strong drink, sat down and just thought about things. After he had three of those strong drinks, he was feeling quite good. 

The phone rang and he whispered into it, "Ellison." 

"Jimmy, it's me. I need to see you. I'm downstairs. Can I come up?" Carolyn asked sweetly. 

"I've always loved you, Caro. Always. Why did you leave me?" Jim was very, very drunk and Carolyn figured that she might be able to take advantage of him because of it. 

"Because I was an idiot, Jimmy. I want to be with you. I want you to make love to me like you used to. Can you do that?" 

"Come on up and I'll see what I can do." Jim went and opened the door and waited for his wife. He never referred to her as his ex.; always his wife. 

She got off of the elevator and she smiled that smile that made Jim get hard right off and it did. She knew how to work him. Both of them knew it. 

She started kissing him in the hallway and took Jim's hand and put it under her dress to find she had no panties on. Jim was about to go nuts for his wife when the phone rang. "Come in, honey. I have to answer this." 

"Ellison." 

"Jim, this is Blair Sandburg. You didn't give me an address and I wanted to come by really fast. So can I have it now?" Blair asked quickly. 

Jim looked at Carolyn and he said, "Well, my wife is here, Doc. So maybe another time?" 

"Jim, she's your ex-wife and she's not a good influence on you. Now what is your address." Blair wondered why he was pissed off about the ex-wife. 

Jim gave him his address and then added, "Give me an hour." Hanging up the phone he picked Caro up and carried her upstairs. He had her completely unclothed and begging for him to fuck her when he realized he needed a condom. He reached across to get one and Caro said, "No condom, Jimmy. I want you to be bare with me." 

"Caro, I'm always careful, you know that. I have to use one." Jim was starting to sober up a little. 

"Jimmy, if you want to fuck me, you'll do it without a condom." 

Jim considered it because he was so fucking horny, he thought he was going to bust, but he got up and started to get dressed. "What's the deal, Caro? He can't have babies or something, so you were going to take one from me?" 

"Oh big deal. You don't like kids and you don't love anyone." Caro spat out as she dressed. 

"Don't come around again, Caro." Jim walked sadly down the stairs. 

When she reached the front door, she said, "Please, Jimmy? I've never asked you for much, have I?" 

"Caro, if I was a dad, I'd want to be with the child." Jim opened the door and waited for her to leave. 

"Please, baby? I want a child so badly. Please?" Caro pleaded. 

"I'm sorry, I can't do it." Jim pushed her out the door and closed it firmly. 

He sat on the sofa and blew his nose and didn't know why his nose was so runny. When Blair came to his door, he could hear Jim crying and he knocked on the door. No one answered, so Blair tried the door and found it open. He turned it and walked in. He plainly saw Jim on the sofa blowing his nose and talking to himself. 

Nothing quite like being around a drunk. Blair sighed as he walked over and sat next to Jim. 

"Hey, Jim, how are you doing?" Blair almost whispered. 

Jim turned to him and smiled and said, "I've got a runny nose. I don't know why. Do you know anything about that Sentinel's love life? The one in Peru? Because I'm thinking maybe Sentinel's aren't able to love or be loved." 

Blair took some of the tissues and wiped Jim's face off and he calmly replied, "He was with someone for many years. He was his guide. Guide and Sentinel go together. And the reason your nose is running is because you're crying, Jim." 

"I don't fucking cry. Get out of my house." Jim raced up the stairs and flung himself on his bed.

Again, Blair sighed as he climbed the stairs. He barely got to the top of the stairs and Jim said, "I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm so sorry. I'm just drunk and depressed. And I'm tired. I can't sleep." 

"If I help you get to sleep, will you make sure and come to my office tomorrow?" 

"I'll be there. I don't miss appointments." Jim swore.

Blair relaxed Jim and began to rub his head while he told him all about the Sentinel in Peru. It was a wonderful story and Blair loved to tell it, but knew that Jim wouldn't remember it tomorrow. He talked for about two hours and then Jim started snoring. Smiling, Blair got up and went to the front door. He wasn't quite certain what to do about locking up since Jim was asleep. Blair looked on the counter and saw two keys lying there. He checked them both and once he knew that they worked, Blair locked up and went home. 

All the way home, Blair kept telling himself, that he would just keep the key for emergencies. Right... Just keep telling yourself that. 

Blair came walking out of his office for coffee at 10:30 and saw Jim sitting there. "Hey, Jim. Why don't you come on in?" 

Blair noticed that Jim had a huge cup of soda from the convenience store. Blair just hoped that he didn't have it filled with booze. 

Jim walked into Blair's office and Blair had his answer. Jim was drunk already and it was only 10:30 in the morning. This might be harder than he had thought. 

"Hey, Chief, how are you today?" Jim smiled. 

Blair stared at him, mouth gaping. "Well, who are you and what have you done with James Ellison? And who is Chief?" 

"That's just you, Blair. I figured you're going to be helping me so much that I might need to come up with a name. Chief came to mind. In charge of all things." Again, Jim just radiated the room with his smile. 

"Have you been drinking today, Jim?" 

"Yeah, I had a drink right before I came. Why?" Jim lost the smile. 

"I think maybe you're drinking a little too much. To get by is one thing, but you're drinking all the time." 

Jim jumped up from the sofa and started to pace. "You told me that you would help me. What kind of help is this? You're treating me like shit today. What did I do to you?" 

"Jim, what happened last night?" 

"Nothing, I slept all night long." Jim stopped pacing for a moment. "Wait, I think Caro came over to visit but I'm not sure." 

"Yeah, she came over." Blair let him know that he was right. 

"How do you know that?" 

"Jim, I was at your house for over two hours last night. You don't remember any of it?" Blair was still talking calmly, hoping it would have that effect on Jim. 

"I'm so fucked. I'm so fucked. I'm so fucked." Jim finally sat down as he continued his mantra. 

Blair sat next to him and said, "You're not fucked but you're going to have to go to a hospital and get off the booze." 

"I can't. They'll kick me off the force for sure." Jim pleaded. 

"Jim, they don't kick you off the force for rehab and you have to stop drinking. You're having black outs, which isn't a good thing." 

"How about if I stop drinking a little each day and you can check when you see me? I promise. I'll do this. I can kick it." Jim seemed desperate. 

"Give me the cup, Jim." Blair held out his hand to take Jim's soda. 

"We start today? I say we start tomorrow." Jim went to take a drink of the coke. 

"Take a drink and I won't see you again." Blair was using tough love. 

Jim handed his soda over to Blair and Blair went and got him some coffee instead. 

"I haven't been able to drink coffee in ages. The smell and taste do something to my tongue and nose. 

"Well, take this coffee and you're going to picture a dial, like on a stereo, and turn that dial down to a number that lets you smell the coffee without making you sick. Then we'll do that same thing with each sense. Now I want you to try it with your sense of smell first. 

Jim held up cup until it almost made him sick and then closed his eyes and pictured that dial and turned it down about half way and Jim loved the smell of the coffee. He opened his eyes and smiled at Blair. "It worked. It fucking worked!" 

"Good, now let's go through and do it to all of your senses and we'll see how you're doing then." 

For the next hour, that's what they did and Jim couldn't believe the difference in his life already. He was able to take his sunglasses off in Blair's office. He had been wearing sunglasses for about a year, indoors, now. Once they had all of those done, Blair said, "Tomorrow, we'll start working on zone-outs and also how much you can do with these senses." 

"What are zone-outs?" Jim asked, honestly intrigued. 

Blair decided he would tell him about them and they would practice some things the next day. He was talking to Jim and noticed that Jim had a far-a-way look on his face and realized he had zoned. 

Sitting next to Jim, Blair rubbed his hand, then moved up to his arm and then rubbed his cheek, all the while, talking to Jim in a low voice.

Jim said, "Did I have one of those zones?" 

"Yes, what were you looking at to cause it?" Blair asked. 

"I don't remember." Jim answered, but blushed as he stood up to leave. 

"We'll see you tomorrow, Jim. If you want to stay away from the booze and need help, call me. I'm home almost all the time. Here's my home phone number in case you need me. " Blair opened the door for Jim. 

"Thanks, Chief. I might take you up on that." 

That evening Blair was cooking stir-fry and the phone rang. "Sandburg." 

"Wow, you answer your phone just like I do. This is Jim." 

"Why would you answer it Sandburg at your house?" Blair teased. 

"Smart ass. Whatcha doing?" Jim asked. 

"I'm making stir-fry. Have you eaten?" 

"No, and that sounds good." Jim hoped for an invitation. 

"Want to come for dinner?" Blair smacked himself up side the head as he opened his mouth. 

"I would love to. Stop hitting yourself on your head. Where do you live?" Jim asked. 

Blair laughed and said, "You can hear me hitting my head through the telephone? That is just so cool, man." Then Blair gave him his address and realized he'd made a major mistake. He had never invited a patient to his apartment. Why Ellison? Now Blair found himself running around the apartment making sure everything was clean and picked up. When Jim knocked at the door, Blair jumped.

He opened it up and said, "Come in, Jim." 

"Thanks for having me. It's really nice. It smells great." 

"Everything's ready. Come and sit down." Blair pointed to the table and they sat and began to eat. Blair realized that Jim wasn't drunk but he also realized that Jim was shaking. 

"Jim, did you have anything else to drink today after you left my office?" 

"No, I told you I would kick this." Jim took another bite of the food with his shaky hand.

"The reason I ask is sometimes it's bad to quit something cold turkey. I don't want anything to happen to you." Blair ate while he explained. 

"I feel pretty good, actually, other than the shaking." Jim said trying to calm his hand down. 

"How about if I make you a vitamin drink that's great for coming off the sauce?" Blair offered. 

"That would probably take the edge off, I bet." Jim looked at Blair hopefully. 

"Does it matter that it tastes really bad?" 

"Do you care?" Jim asked. 

"No. Let me go and make this drink." Blair smiled and got up to make one for him. 

"Just a small one, okay?" 

"Wouldn't think of anything more." Blair smiled over at Jim as he made the drink. He could see Jim's shaking getting worse and worse. "Jim, are you all right?" 

"I'm cold, I think." 

"Here's your drink and let me get you an afghan. That will help you warm up." Blair moved off to get the throw. 

When he covered Jim up, Jim touched his hand and said, "Do you like me?" 

"Well, of course I like you." Blair smiled and sat back down. 

"That isn't what I meant." 

"Jim, I can't like you in any other way. I'm your doctor." Blair hoped that Jim wasn't going to confuse their friendship. Well shit, Blair himself, was confused about their friendship. 

"I'm really sorry. I need to go." Jim stood up quickly and headed for the door. 

"Jim, please stay. We were having a nice time. Can't we be friends?" Blair asked. 

Jim stopped and looked at him and said, "I don't know if I can." 

"Like me as a friend, you mean?" Blair asked.

"No, I already like you as a friend. I mean, I don't know if I can keep my distance." But Jim went back over and sat down and continued to eat. 

Jim helped Blair clean up the kitchen and then they watched a Jags game on TV and found they had something else in common. Blair yelled at the team as much as Jim did, each of them making the other laugh. 

"Do you know any other therapists?" Jim asked. 

Blair got this hurt look on his face and said, "Yeah, I can suggest someone really good. Give me a second and I'll get her name." 

Jim called out, "Blair, I want to date you." 

"What????" Blair didn't even know what else to say. 

"Well, I've decided that you and I could work on the Sentinel stuff anytime and I really like you. I'm comfortable with you and I'd like to date you." Jim smiled at him. 

"So that's why you wanted a therapist's name?" Blair was so fucking relieved. 

"Of course it is." Jim smiled once more. "Did you think I thought you were a bad therapist? Or did you think I didn't like you?" 

"Both. I worry about those things all the time. I go to therapy too, you know." Blair smiled at Jim. It was one of those smiles that promises many tomorrow's. 

"So what do you think about us dating?" Jim asked. 

"We'll go slow, right?" Blair asked his former patient. 

"We have to go slow, Chief. I'm a fucking mess." Jim stood and said, "Just call and leave her address and number on my machine. I have to go home. Thank you so much for the dinner, companionship and help. I appreciate all of it. Goodnight, Blair." And Jim walked out the door. 

When Jim got home, he took down the phone number and address that Blair called and left while he was driving home. He was going to call her first thing in the morning. Her name was Lena Parker. 

Jim stripped and took a shower to warm up. He couldn't seem to get warm today. Then he put his sweats and a sweatshirt on and climbed into bed. He shook so hard that it hurt. This continued for about two hours and he picked up his phone and dialed Blair's number. 

"Sandburg." 

With teeth chattering, Jim said, "Chief, I'm lying in bed and I can't stop shaking. What should I do?" 

"I'll be there in a moment. I still have your key from the other night, so just stay in bed. I'll hurry." Blair hung up without waiting for any response. 

Jim wondered when he had given Blair a key to the loft. God, those black outs were worse than he thought. 

When he got there he could hear Jim's teeth chattering all the way downstairs. Blair rushed up the stairs and climbed into the bed and held him close to let him know he was there. 

"I never wanted to drink. I don't even like to drink but I couldn't handle these damn senses. I think something is wrong." Jim sounded panicky. 

"Jim, what are your dials set on right now?" 

Jim closed his eyes and saw the dials and said, "Six." 

"Well, move them down to two and we'll see if that helps." Blair went to get another quilt for his bed and found them just where he thought they'd be. 

Blair added them to Jim's bed and Jim stopped shaking so hard. "That helped a lot, Chief. Thank you. Will you stay with me tonight?" 

Blair knew he shouldn't, but couldn't turn down a scared patient. So he stripped and got in bed with Jim. Jim turned toward him and moved in to kiss him. 

"No way. I'm still your doctor. So we get you another one first and I'm getting a damn date out of this before I sleep with you." Blair teased. 

"Sounds good to me. Night." 

When Jim woke up, Blair was long gone, but he felt great. It was the first day that he didn't wake up wanting a drink. 

Blair had the morning off so he sat in his office reading more about Guides. What if he turned out to be a Guide? What if that's why Jim was drawn to him? And what if that's the only reason he wants to fuck you, Doctor Sandburg? He continued to read and fuss over his life in general. His friend, the therapist Jim was going to see, had called and said it went really well. Now why did Jim do really well with her and not with Blair? 

Blair got up and started pacing and began to speak out loud to himself, "Well, Sandburg, it's another fine mess you've gotten yourself into. Chances are he just wants to fuck you because maybe you're his guide. Or worse yet, maybe he just wants to fuck you to show you that he's in control. He probably doesn't have any feelings for you at all, just wants to fuck you. He's a fucking Sentinel and you're attracted to him because of that. Maybe it's you. Maybe you're the one that wants to fuck him because he's a Sentinel. Don't worry, he's a Sentinel, but you're no fucking Guide. A real guide would be able to help him in all ways. And if you were a real guide, you would have noticed that he was for you the moment you met. He noticed. So he is a Sentinel, you're not a guide." 

Jim had come up to take Blair for lunch and tell him how well his session went. He could hear Blair ranting in his office and it made him smile. 

Sheryl said, "Hi, Mr. Ellison. Would you like to see Blair?" 

"Yes, could you tell him I'm here?" Jim gave her one of his killer smiles. 

Blair opened the door and saw the grin on Jim's face and knew that Jim had heard every damn word he had said.

Jim got up and followed him into his office. "I think you might be my guide, in which case, wouldn't that be nice since I want to fuck you. But not for any of those reasons you stated. I'm totally attracted to you. Everything about you makes me hard. It's not a Sentinel/Guide thing, it's a man/man thing. I really love the look of your body and the sound of your voice. Basically I love you." 

"How could you love me? You barely know me, Jim." 

"You feel nothing for me?" 

"Yes, I do. And I don't understand it. I'm into guys, so that's not a shock, but not your type." 

"What type do you like?" Jim smiled. 

"My size, my weight, my everything so I'm more evenly matched." Blair explained. 

"Well, it just so happens that you're exactly my type. The hair, the eyes, the body hair, and your smile. I love everything about you. And I've only been with three guys in my life, but they were all your type." Jim hoped that would help Blair realize that it might not just be a karma thingy. 

"Okay, then I'll tell the truth. You are my type. Shit!" 

"Well, it just proves that we don't have to be Sentinel and Guide. We can be man and man." Jim hoped he had enlightened Blair. He moved closer to Blair and pulled him into his arms. "Want to go for lunch?" 

"No, I have things to do. Jim, I want to go slow. This isn't slow." Blair pulled away from Jim and sat behind his desk. 

"I can do slow, Chief. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you." Jim walked out the door and shut it quietly. 

"I'm sorry, Jim." Blair said whisper soft. 

Jim opened the door up and said, "No problem, Chief. See you later. Have a good day." 

Blair could see himself fucking this whole thing up. God, he was so confused. He needed to see a therapist. Blair sat back down and began reading more about the Sentinel/Guide relationship. The anthropologist in him found it past interesting. 

Jim got home and sat on the sofa, feeling sorry for himself. He really thought that Blair would fall into his arms and they'd be in bed by now. Jim got up and started to pace in front of the balcony. "You idiot, you probably scared him off. Way to go. He probably doesn't find you attractive at all. Wow, this is a new record for you, Ellison. Dumped in one day." Jim realized he was ranting out loud and stopped so he didn't scare the neighbors. 

He went to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of rum and started drinking it without the coke part. Before long, he felt better. He was loose lipped enough to call Blair and apologize. 

When Sheryl answered, "Dr. Sandburg's office." Jim almost cried. 

"Sheryl, this is Jim Ellison, could I talk to Blair, please?" 

"Sorry, Jim, he went out on a date. Do you want me to tell him you called?" 

"No. It's not important. Sorry I bothered you." Jim hung the phone up and walked upstairs and lay on his bed. 

Sheryl didn't like the sound of Jim's voice, so she called Blair at the restaurant. 

"Sandburg." 

"Blair? This is Sheryl and I just talked to Jim Ellison. He sounded really upset. He said it wasn't important and to not bother you, but he sounded weird." 

"Thanks, Sheryl. I'm done with my meeting so I'll call him." 

"Meeting? How embarrassing. I just told Jim that you had a date tonight." 

"Sheryl, he's not my patient anymore. He goes to Dr. Lena Parker. Just in case this comes up again, Jim and I have discussed dating, but haven't as of yet." 

"Well, you better call him then, because he thinks you're out having a good time. I'm so sorry." 

"Not your fault. I should have kept you apprised. That way it wouldn't be such a shock. Goodnight, Sheryl." 

Blair left the building and got in his car to drive over to Jim's. When he got there he saw that the place was dark, but that didn't mean a thing. He still had Jim's spare key and he intended on using it. 

Sliding the key in the door, he almost had second thoughts. When he walked through, he was glad he came. Jim had torn the place apart. Everything was turned over and ripped up. Blair felt so damn bad. Then he saw the empty bottle of rum sitting on the table and knew that Jim was drinking again. 

"What do you want?" Jim yelled from his room. The desperation in his voice was apparent to both men. 

"Jim, we need to talk." Blair started up the stairs. 

"Stay down there. I feel like I could punch you." Jim was shaking with rage. 

"Jim, I wasn't on a date tonight. It was a company meeting. Sheryl always hopes it'll be a date, but it wasn't." Blair tried to explain quickly. 

"I don't own you, Sandburg. Now put my key on the counter and get out." Jim ordered. He was trying to sound as strong as he wished he was. Inside he was falling apart. He loved Blair and knew that nothing would ever come from it. 

Blair walked up the stairs and asked, "Why did you start drinking again?" 

"I couldn't control the dials. They were going all over the place. The pain was unbearable. So I did what comes naturally to a fucking drunk." Jim sat on the bed and put his head in his hands. 

"Are you seeing Dr. Parker tomorrow?" 

"Yes, why?" Jim looked up finally. 

"I just wondered. Can I ask you something else?" 

"Well, somehow I don't think me saying no will stop you." Jim growled. 

"True enough. Did you ever hit Carolyn?" 

Jim jumped off the bed and started pacing. "What kind of question is that? I never touched a hair on her head. I wouldn't have ever hurt her." 

"But yet, you said you wanted to punch me tonight. Why is that?" Blair asked softly. 

"Jesus, I wouldn't ever touch a hair on your head, either. Blair, I just said it. I would never hurt you. I would never hurt you. I would never hurt you." The chanting kept up until Blair hugged him. 

"Come on, let's get to bed and we'll talk in the morning." Blair helped him get in bed, then slipped out of his clothes and slid in next to the sad man. 

"I'm so sorry, Blair. I don't expect you to hang around for me. I'm a fuck up. I'm a total friggin' mess." 

Blair rubbed Jim's chest hoping to calm the man and then saw that it wasn't relaxing Jim at all, quite the opposite. 

"You need to go to sleep, Jim." Blair stopped rubbing his chest. 

"Chief, rub my chest for a little while longer. Please?" Jim pleaded. 

"Jim, you're getting aroused and I don't want to do that until the time is right." Blair moved over and turned on his side. 

Jim rubbed Blair's back very gently and with each swipe of his hand, he went a little lower. "Jim, knock it off." 

"I want you bad, Blair." 

"Tough. I told you, not until I'm ready." Blair got out of the bed and got dressed. Man, he hated drunks. 

"Oh I see. It's all on your terms. Well, fuck you, Sandburg. I don't need you." Jim rolled over onto his side, showing Blair his back. 

"See Dr. Parker for awhile and give me a call when you're ready." Blair walked downstairs and out the door. "It may be weeks or months, but I'll be here when you're ready to move on, Jim. Goodnight." Blair then shut the door and locked up Jim's loft. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." Jim muttered to himself until he fell asleep. 

The next day Jim realized he wanted Blair Sandburg. If it had to be on Blair's terms, then so be it. Jim went daily for his sessions with Lena and they were going well. He told her about the Sentinel business because he knew she had to understand. She had a right to know why sometimes he would be worse than others. 

During the next two months Lena worked with Jim five days a week. Jim was trying to get over his need to still have Carolyn in his life. He was getting over the drinking problem and he was getting used to dealing with his senses in other ways, rather than alcohol. She thought he was coming along beautifully and Jim had to actually agree with her. He felt better about himself then he had in a long time. 

He missed Blair so much. In the back of his mind, he didn't really feel like Blair would still be waiting. But there was always that hope, that prayer and that wish come true. Jim told Lena how much he needed Blair and Lena said it wasn't the same as needing Carolyn. This was a completely different need. Jim was sure, it was a different need. He couldn't wait to get Blair in his bed and make him his own. 

And after those two long months of being out of Blair's life and in intensive therapy, Lena said, "Jim, I think we can shift this to once a week. I'm going to suggest you go on desk duty at work for two weeks. How do you feel about that?" 

"Oh god, you have no idea how much better I would feel. Thank you." Jim stood up to leave. 

"Just a moment and I'll give you your release papers. No drinking, Jim. You do understand that, right?" 

"Yes, I understand. Thanks again, Doc." Jim said with a big smile on his face. He left her office feeling like a million bucks. He went to the station to tell Simon and everyone was thrilled to see the old Ellison back. 

Simon and Jim talked in his office for about two hours. Jim felt he needed to tell Simon all about his senses so that he would know what to do if he zoned or something. 

"Well, it sounds like you need one of those guides." Simon said. "But in the mean time, would Joel do as your back up?" 

"It's not like you can advertise for one, Simon. I'll have to talk to Blair about it and go from there. Joel would be a great back up. We'll have to tell him everything." Jim stood to leave. 

"So tell me why you have two therapists. I thought your Doctor's name was Sandburg, not Parker." Simon mentioned. 

"Parker is my new one. Sandburg handles all of the Sentinel information." Jim tried to keep it short. 

"Jim, I'm so glad to see you back. Even if it's just for desk duty, it's still nice to see you. As soon as you're on active duty, you'll be working with Joel." Simon walked him to his door and patted him on the back. 

Jim walked back to Joel's office to see how he felt about being his back up. Once Joel heard about the Sentinel information, he might run screaming from his own office. 

"Jim, that's terrific that you found someone that finally realized it wasn't in your head. I'm so glad and I'll be glad to be your back up." Joel pounded Jim on the back happily. 

"I'd like to have you talk to Blair Sandburg about the senses and the zones in a week or two. Would that be all right, Joel?" 

"That would be great, Jim. Welcome back, slugger." 

Jim left Joel's office happier than he'd been in a long time. 

Jim and Blair had an agreement that they wouldn't talk about dating while he was in intensive therapy, so Jim hadn't said a word. But now that he was going to fewer sessions, he was going to ask Blair out if it was the last thing he did. 

He walked into Blair's office and Sheryl hugged him. She had missed this man that made Blair's face light up.

"Hey Jim, an appointment?" Sheryl teased. 

"Nah. I'm going to ask him to lunch. What do you think my chances are?" Jim smiled at her. "I bought this painting for his office, what do you think?" 

"Well, considering he's with a client, not a patient, and there is no one else after that. Things look good. And I love the painting. He's going to love it, too. 

Jim sat down with a magazine and listened for his love's heartbeat. Once he picked it up, he also heard other things. The person with Blair was a guy and he and Blair sounded like they were making out. 

"Come on, Blair. You have no patients, let's do this." the stranger said. 

"I'm with someone, Clint." Blair answered, without much enthusiasm. 

"Blair, come on. Let me suck you at least. I love to suck. You'll love it." Clint sounded aggressive. 

Jim jumped up and said, "Could you tell him I'm here?" 

Sheryl looked at the look on his face and knew it must be important. She buzzed his office and said, "Doctor Sandburg, your next patient is here." 

"Sheryl, I don't have any patients for this afternoon." Blair appeared annoyed. 

"Sorry, lunch date. I got confused." 

"Who is my lunch date?" Blair now sounded past irritated.

"Jim Ellison is here for lunch." Sheryl watched Jim's face and knew somehow that Jim knew what was going on in there.

Jim stood clenching and unclenching his fists over and over again. He could still hear this Clint person trying to talk Blair into getting fucked. 

Finally Jim heard, "Jim Ellison is my date, Clint. And if he came walking in here like right now. He'd be upset. Like right now." 

Jim realized Blair wanted him to walk in, so he did. He opened the door and said, "Who the fuck are you?" He laid the painting up against the wall so it wouldn't be damaged. 

The man jumped away from Blair and said, "Clint Verster and I'm a good friend of Blair's." 

"Somehow I don't believe that. Blair, is this man a good friend of yours?" Jim growled.

"No, and I told him I didn't want to fuck and he wanted me to anyway." Blair said pleasantly, but Jim realized that Blair was pissed at this man. 

"You made moves on my man? Are you looking to get your arms and legs broken?" Jim shoved him against the wall and he had to really work at not laughing. He wasn't a break your arm and legs kind of guy. 

"No, really! I didn't know he was with anyone." Clint was about ready to piss his pants. 

"Get lost and don't bother Blair again." Jim shoved him out of the office and slammed the door. Both he and Blair began to laugh until they couldn't laugh any longer. 

"So, we have a lunch date? Did someone forget to tell me? Better yet, ask me?" Blair teased as he walked to his desk and sat on the edge. 

"I wanted to surprise you and I heard that jerk. What could I do?" Jim blushed. "I also brought you a present for saving my life." 

"You could try not to listen to other people's conversations." Blair pointed out. "Where's my prezzie?" 

"So I would have missed you getting fucked by our man Clint, huh?" Jim was suddenly angry. 

"Jim, I was kidding." 

"I wasn't. He was going to take what he wanted. I don't mean to point this out but he was a lot bigger than you. He would have gotten it." Jim kept the cop face on.

"For your information, I've had some classes in self-defense, I can take care of myself but I knew you were out there and wanted you to come in." Blair blushed this time. 

"You wanted me to come in?" 

"Yeah. Call me weird, but I wanted him to see the man I'm going to be dating and falling in love with." Blair lit up the room with his smile and made Jim's day.

"That was the most romantic thing I've ever had said to me." Jim leaned into Blair and thought about kissing him, but then felt awkward and pulled back. 

"So are you taking me out or not?" Blair asked with a grin that could be heard and seen. "And where's my prezzie?" 

"Sorry, here it is." Jim grabbed the painting and gave it to Blair. "Come on, I was waiting on you, let's go to lunch." Jim teased. 

"Jim, this painting is beautiful. I don't know what to say. I've been having these dreams of a black jaguar lying next to me at night, purring and then you bring this in. It's weird. I love it, man." Blair hugged Jim quickly and then got ready to go. 

"I'm glad you like it, Blair. The man said it was a Peruvian Jaguar. So I got it because of that." 

As they drove to the Mexican restaurant of Blair's choice, Jim asked, "So where do we go from here?" 

"Wherever we want to go, Jim. I just want to go slow. I don't want you to make any mistakes about how you feel about me." Blair was being a doctor again and Jim hated that. 

"I know how I feel about you. I haven't seen you in two months and I still feel the same way. Why are you trying to push me away?" Jim finally asked.

"I'm not. I'm just being careful is all." 

Both men fell silent and lunch didn't go quite as Jim had planned. Neither man said two words the whole time. The Sentinel in him watched and listened to Blair and saw that there was something wrong. Jim just had to figure out what. He had time; he'd step back and let Blair think for awhile. 

The drive back was quiet and Jim let the good doctor off outside his building. "Thanks for lunch, man. Talk to you later." And just like that Blair was gone. 

"You seem to fuck things up even when you aren't trying, Ellison. What is wrong with you?" Jim said aloud to himself. As he drove off, he wondered what made him so unlovable. All he needed was to have Blair love him and include him in his life. That's all. 

He almost stopped at two bars on the way to work but decided that wasn't the answer. When he walked into Major Crime Simon called him into his office. 

"Yes, sir?" What's up?" Jim came in and sat down in front of Simon's desk. 

"Jim, we've been watching you and I talked to your doctor. We both feel that you can go back in the field, instead of desk duty. So I need you to have Joel meet Sandburg and teach him some things. As soon as he does, we can get you back out there." Simon waited for Jim's answer. 

"Simon, I'm thinking that Joel can just do it. I don't think we need any help." 

"All right. What's wrong? You look like a kid who lost his dog. If Sandburg doesn't talk to Joel, it's a no-go." 

"Fine. God, I can't have a private life around here." Jim stood up and started to leave. 

"Jim, are you doing all right? Wait, I don't want to know." Simon asked with disquiet in his eyes. 

"I'm fine, sir. I just didn't get enough sleep last night. I'm not drinking if that's what you're worrying about." 

"That isn't what I was worrying about, Jim. I worry about you. You're lonely and don't talk to anyone. How about dinner tonight?" Simon asked. 

"You asking me on a date?" Jim smiled at the look on Simon's face. 

"That's not even funny, Ellison. We're friends and I don't want fag jokes going around about that." Simon waited for his answer. 

"What time are you picking me up and where are we going? I'm not cheap." Jim laughed, but Simon scowled. 

"I'll pick you up at 7:00 and we'll go to that Italian place you got me hooked on." 

"Okay, see you tonight." 

Jim started out the door and Simon said, "Jim, I'll see you all day long." Jim started laughing again.

As Simon watched this, he realized it was the first time Jim had laughed in months. It was a nice sound. He had forgotten how much he loved hearing his laughter. The Captain of Major Crimes wanted to hear it more often. 

That evening Simon picked Jim up and they went to Saccony's for dinner. They were seated at once and both handed menus. 

Jim said, "My favorite thing here is their stuffed Manicotti. It's so delicious. I haven't been here in a long time. Thanks, Simon." 

"That's my favorite, too. I'll order for us when she comes back. Do you want coffee, iced tea or a soda?" Simon asked while still reading. 

"Dr. Pepper." 

Simon burst out laughing. "Since when have you drunk Dr. Pepper?" 

"I'm just trying something new. Usually I drink iced tea but I felt like something wild and crazy. Dr. Pepper came to mind." Jim laughed along with his friend. 

Simon ordered for the two of them and while they waited, they talked about everything; Simon's lack of personal life, work and what they wanted out of life. It was one of the nicest nights out for both men. 

Once dinner came, then Simon decided to ask some hard questions. "So have you been tempted to drink again, Jim? And did you join AA like I asked you to?" 

"Yes, I have been tempted, but no I've not joined AA. I don't really think it was the same thing. I got drunk in order to function. I'm sure I wouldn't fit in." 

"Jim, it's part of the deal. No AA, no job. Understood?" Simon had to be the bad guy. 

"Understood. I'll join tomorrow night. I'll ask someone to go with me for the first time." Jim beseeched. 

"Sure, ask Brown to go with you. He'll do anything." Simon smiled over at Jim and saw an odd look on his face. "What's the matter?" 

"I'm feeling like this might be a real date. And I don't know how to feel about that." Jim didn't look up from his plate. 

"It's not a date, Jim. I not get into guys. I mean I seriously don't get into guys. I don't even understand guys who get into guys." 

"So it's not a date." Jim became serious. "I understand." 

"No, Jim, it's not a date." 

"Thank you, Simon. I needed you to be my friend and no more." Jim held on to Simon's hand for a few moments just wanting the closeness of a friend. Simon pulled his hand back, thinking of what Jim had just said. He didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. "This might be a good time to tell you that I'm going to date Blair." 

"Is she nice?" Simon asked. 

"You're having a really good time making fun of me, aren't you?" Jim winked at him. 

"I'm not making fun of you. I'm making fun of some of your ideas. Jim, I love you but only as a friend. Relax." 

"Simon, Blair is Blair Sandburg. I'm going to ask him out." Jim looked a little defeated at Simon's facial expression.

"Jim, let's drop this. I don't want to talk about it or hear it." 

Jim began eating again as Simon told him what they were going to do on a bust the next day. It was a typical night out for two good friends. Well, maybe not so typical because one Blair Sandburg was out taking a walk and saw Jim and Simon. What he saw from his view was two men laughing, talking, touching and smiling. It broke Blair's heart that he had already missed his chance. He walked off and knew that he would have to cut off all contact with James Ellison. 

When Jim got home that night he had no idea that he would be cut off from Blair, just like that. He picked up the phone to tell Blair about his night out and how much he enjoyed it, only to find out his number had been blocked. 

"What the fuck?" Jim shouted as he walked downstairs and then out to the corner phone. 

He dialed Blair and Blair picked up saying, "Sandburg." 

"Blair, this is Jim. Why did you block my number?" 

"I think it's time we both move on." 

"Move on? Move on? What in the fuck are you on? We haven't even gone anywhere yet." Jim was shouting. 

"Jim, I think you might be an abusive person and I can't be with someone like that." 

"Blair, please? I would never hurt you. I love you." 

The bark of laughter hurt Jim's ears. "Well, I'd hate to see what you do to someone you don't love." 

"What are you talking about?" Jim hated being confused. 

"Don't call me anymore, Jim. I'm sorry. And please don't come to my office. I will get a restraining order." Blair hung up the phone. 

Jim rushed up the stairs and got to his phone and called Simon. "Banks." 

"Simon, I need you to back-track over my day and evening and help me." 

"Jim, calm down. What's going on?" 

"Blair blocked my number from his phone, so I went to the pay phone and called from there. He answered and he said he didn't want to see me anymore." 

"Well, what the hell? What could have brought that on?" Simon wondered aloud. 

"And I yelled at him once because I was so frustrated and he said he thought I was abusive." 

"Abusive? Now that is weird. He sounds like he was just looking for a reason to dump you, Jim." Simon said hopefully. 

"God, what am I going to do?" 

"What does he look like anyhow?" Simon inquired. 

"Like that matters." Jim sounded lost already. 

"Jim, there was a man watching us from across the street tonight. He watched for a long while. I didn't think too much of it, but maybe he was that Dr. Sandburg and thought you were on a date." 

"What did he look like?" Jim sounded hopeful. 

"He had long curly, dark brown hair, blue jeans and a flannel shirt. Some might find him nice looking, I don't. Does he live near that restaurant?" 

"Yeah, he lives down the street. God, he saw us and thought we were together. Shit. He told me to stay away from his office. I'm going to bed, Simon. Thanks for all of your help." Jim sounded defeated and Simon hoped he wouldn't have to hear anymore about it. 

"Don't forget about tomorrow." 

"I won't. I'll let you know when I'm going." Jim said goodbye and closed his cell. 

He lay in bed totally depressed. For once he hadn't even done anything to piss Blair off, and yet, Blair was still pissed off. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. 

He wondered if he was a Sentinel who was meant to be Guideless. Jim knew that he wasn't making any headway with his Guide. So, it must be how life is. Jim wanted to be with Blair, but sometimes you don't get what you want. 

Jim laid in bed and read more of the book about Sentinels. He tried some of the things that were in the notebook that Blair gave him and they worked like a charm. If he had Blair by his side, he would have it made. Jim was going to have to get past that thought. Blair wasn't by his side and he was never going to have it made. 

The next day Jim went to Joel's office and knocked. "Come on in, Jim." 

Joel held the door open and Jim said, "Joel, I need to join an AA program and I don't know how to get started. Would you help me?" 

"Oh sure. I know someone that runs one. Let me call Sela and see when her next meeting is." Joel got on the phone and received some information and wrote it all down. Hanging the phone up he said, "You're in luck. There's a meeting tonight and she would love to see you there. I had to give her your first name." 

"That's fine, Joel. Thank you so much." 

"Here's the information. Time, place and how long the meetings last. Do you have your little speech prepared?" 

"Speech? Oh shit." Jim jumped up and began to pace in the small office. 

"Let's do it together now. You can't say anything about your senses, so we're going to say that you just loved too much. How does that sound?" Joel looked up from the pen and paper. 

"Yeah, that'll work. I did love her, Joel, but she didn't love me." 

"We don't need to go into all of that. We're going to keep this simple and no one will question it." 

"How about this; I love the taste of rum; there doesn't need to be a reason. I just love it. And when I'm drunk I'm able to handle things better. I can face problems easily and I get more courage. But one day I realized that rum couldn't control my life forever. Now I don't drink rum, but I also don't have much courage and don't tackle problems that well. And in case I didn't mention it, my name is Jim. I've been sober for 2 months." 

Joel had tears in his eyes. "Jim, that's perfect. Let's write it in case you need help. Oh and by the way, I think you're very brave. I love you, Jim." 

"I love you too, big guy. Thank you for being my friend." 

"Should we break out into song now?" Joel and Jim both laughed and had a quick manly hug. 

"Well, I better get back to work, or Simon will begin to whine and then I'll have to run get him some cheese." Jim laughed at full volume as he left Joel's office. 

Jim told Simon when the meeting was and where. "Now go and ask Brown if he'll join you, Jim." 

"Okay, I have to get some work done." Jim sat at his desk and began to catch up on paperwork. He dialed Brown's private line and heard, "Detective Brown." 

"Henry, this is Jim. Would you like to go to a, AA meeting with me tonight?" 

"Sure. What time?" 

Jim filled him in and they decided to each take their own car. Jim felt much better once that was taken care of. 

Simon walked through the bullpen and said, "I'm going to be gone a couple of hours. You all know my cell number. Jim, you're in charge today." Simon smiled at the look of happiness on Jim's face. 

Simon drove to an area of town he wasn't familiar with and found himself in an office that he was even less familiar with. 

"Can I help you, sir?" Sheryl asked nicely. 

"Yes, I need to talk to Doctor Sandburg about Jim Ellison. Do you think I could be squeezed in?" 

"Let me go and ask him, sir. Sit down and I'll be right back." Sheryl went in his office and closed the door. 

She came back out and said, "He'll see you now. Right through that door. Sir, is Jim all right?" 

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine." Simon walked into Blair's office. 

Blair was still on the phone with a patient and Simon stood and looked over the room. He looked at the doctor when he stood up. He was dressed in a polo shirt and Dockers. Blair finally got off the phone and glared at Simon and said, "What do you want?" 

"Well, Dr. Sandburg, I don't know you, but I have a feeling you seem to know me." 

"Yes, I know who you are. Jim's boss." He was still acting cold towards Simon. 

"Well, I Just wanted to tell you that you misunderstood Jim and I. I'm his boss and boss alone. I don't like the idea of anyone thinking I would be with a man in that way. 

"Why are you pissed at me? You have him, I don't." Blair blurted out. 

"I don't have him and I never will. I don't want him. I just came to make sure that you didn't tell anyone about seeing us there and thinking that. He's totally in love with you. We're best friends and will never be anymore than that. Although, I'm questioning the decisions he's making lately." 

"I saw the two of you at the restaurant. I saw you." 

"When he touched my hand?" Simon made a face like it made him sick thinking about it. 

"Why was Jim was holding your hand?" 

"He was grateful because I reminded him to go to AA and he was afraid. I volunteered one of his co-workers to go with him. That's why he touched my hand. You know, you don't know much for being a doctor." 

"Can I call you Simon?" 

"Of course, I have a feeling I'll be seeing more of you, whether I want to or not. I want you to be in his life. Be in his life all you want, but don't bring it to my station." 

"Fine. I want him in my life, at any price." 

"Good, then there is no problem. Now, look at your schedule and see when you have a day to spend with Jim and Joel at the station." Simon was best at giving orders. 

Blair looked at his schedule and said, "I could come tomorrow for the entire day." 

"Good, it's a date then. You can tell me after that how much more time you'll have to spend there." 

"Simon, I'm thinking about a new job working with the police department. Could I tell you about it later?" 

"That's fine, but keep in mind, I will have no nonsense in my station. Send me any paperwork I need to fill out and I'll get you an observer's pass for now." Simon stood up and as he walked to the door, he said, "This is a beautiful painting. Where did you get it?" 

"From Jim. It reminds me of him." Blair looked at the painting thoughtfully. 

"See you tomorrow, Sandburg." Simon walked out the door. 

Blair frowned to himself and realized that he was in love with a wonderful man that worked for someone who hated gays. He just hadn't wanted to admit to it. Blair walked out of his office and told Sheryl, "I have to shop." 

"We have no more patients today, can I come?" 

"Fine. Such a whiner I hired." Blair laughed as she stuck her tongue out at him. 

"So what are we looking for?" 

"I want a painting of a wolf." Cheryl had to almost run to keep up with Blair. 

They walked into this studio where the artist takes pictures of something and adds pictures of you to it and they're beautiful when they are done. Not a painting, but still every bit worthy of being framed.

"Can I help you?" the owner asked.

Blair told him he wanted a wolf but he thought he might like a picture of him in with it. 

"Come with me, and we'll get some pictures done." Blair followed the man and said, "What is your name?" 

"Del is my name. I've been doing this for years. But here lately it seems to be more popular." 

"It's nice to meet you, Del. I'm Blair Sandburg." 

"Okay, Blair, I need you to turn to the right and look very serious." When Blair had done it, he heard a camera clicking. "Okay, now I do it with an instant camera as a back up." Blair heard more noises and then Del said, "Okay, I need you to take off the shirts and leave one of the undershirts on." Blair did and Del began snapping as he did it. 

"So how do you need me for these?" Blair asked. 

"I don't. You're so serious, you look angry in these pictures. Are you angry?" 

"No, just lonely." Blair smiled at him. 

"Well, when you find that special someone, I want to do some of the two of you." 

When Blair left, he had no idea what it would look like, but yet, he had paid for it already. He had no idea if it would be good enough for Jim, yet they were going to deliver it tonight. What was he thinking? 

"Blair, this is going to be so cool. Jim will love it." Sheryl loved being Blair's cheerleader. 

"Shut up." Blair snarled with a smile. 

"He is. He's going to totally love the idea of you shopping for him." 

"I hope I didn't make a mistake. I've been known to make a couple." Again, Blair smiled over at his best friend. "Have I told you lately that I love you?" 

"Oh hell yes. And I love you, too. Too bad you don't get into 50 year old women. Or do you?" They both laughed all the way to the office. Sheryl had come into his life when he most needed someone and he had entered hers when she felt useless and unnecessary. So they were perfect together. 

"Now, when you and Jim get a new place, will it have a room for me?" Sheryl asked. 

"Oh, I'm sure that Jim would be open to sharing his home to anyone." They both laughed again. 

When they got back, Blair worked on files and Sheryl worked on filing them so the day flew by and Blair couldn't wait to get home and take the lock off of Jim's number. 

Jim walked up to Brown's desk and said, "Brown, you're going to meet me there, right?" 

"Jim, do you want me to follow you now?" Henry smiled at him. 

Jim looked at his feet and said, "I'm scared shitless, Henry. How about if we leave soon?" 

"All right, give me a moment to finish this, then we'll grab a quick dinner and go." Jim went back to his desk and finished a few more case files and then saw Brown stand up and get ready to go. 

"Ready?" Brown called out. 

"Ready." Jim was so fucking scared. 

Rafe walked up and said, "Mind if I come along, Jim?" 

"No, that would be fine." Jim smiled at the support he was getting. 

Once they arrived, it was crowded, which surprised all three of the men. Who would have thought there were that many drinkers that wanted to get better? 

A nice looking woman walked over and said, "Your name?" 

"Jim, this is my first night." 

"Hi, Jim, I'm Sela. Joel is my friend and told me you would be coming. And who are these gentlemen?" 

"I'm Henry Brown and he's Brian Rafe and we're here to give him some support." 

"Good for you, guys. Now come in. Jim, here's your badge. You have to let people know your name. Put it on and stop making faces." Sela ordered. 

The guys started to laugh. Sela said, "Here's yours, funny boys." 

Now it was Jim's turn to laugh. 

"Now go and sit down, you're going to be called upon tonight." Sela walked away and they went and sat at the back of the hall. 

The guy in front turned around and said, "She'll get you back here too, man. So you better watch it." 

Again, Jim, Brown and Rafe looked at each other and burst out laughing. The guy looked at them like they were nuts. 

"Oh Jim, you're going to fit right in." Rafe was still laughing. 

Sela stood at the front and introduced all of the new members. When she called Jim's name he stood up and thankfully no one asked him anything. Then she started calling each new person up to the front to tell their story, more or less. Jim was dreading this part the most. 

Jim, Brown and Rafe listened to a lot of sad stories and felt bad for most of them. Then Sela said, "Jim, come on up here and talk to us." 

Jim stood up and felt like he was going to throw up. He walked to the front and Sela started to leave and he grabbed her, so she stayed by his side. 

"I love the taste of rum; there doesn't need to be a reason. I just love it. And when I'm drunk I'm able to handle things better. At least I thought I could. I could face problems easily and I had more courage. But one day I realized that rum was controlling my life, and if I kept it up, it would own me forever. Now I don't drink rum, but I also don't have much courage and don't tackle problems that well. And in case I didn't mention it, my name is Jim. I've been sober for 2 months. I'm real scared about being here. So if I act odd, please don't think I don't like you. I'm so friggin' nervous. I'm happy to be alive and to be here. Thanks for listening." 

Sela pulled him into a hug and said, "You did beautifully. Good job. Next week will be easier." 

When he got back to their seats Rafe and Brown stood up and hugged him. "Jim, you're one of the most courageous people I know. You never need rum for that. Anything else you need help with, you let me know. That's what friends are for." Rafe whispered. 

The guy in front of them asked, "So you're a trio?" 

Rafe glared at him and said, "We're his friends and we're giving him support." 

"Oh sorry. My mistake." 

Jim, Brown and Rafe smiled as soon as he turned around. Rafe put his arm around the back of the chair and pulled Jim in for a hug. Sela watched the interaction going on and realized Jim had good, good friends. She would have to tell Joel to help him open up. Jim Ellison didn't look like the type to share. She would find out as time went on. 

Once the evening was over, Sela walked up to him and said, "You need a sponsor. I have three volunteers, so would you like to meet them now?" 

"Yeah, I guess that would be good." Jim was shaking and she could see it. 

"Jim, it's not a big deal. These guys started out the same as you. 

She opened the door to the smaller room and three men stood and Jim smiled widely. He walked right over to Joel and hugged him. 

"Okay, guys I think we have a winner." Sela smiled at how easily he opened up to his friends. 

"Joel, why didn't I ever know about you?" 

"Because I don't go out with anyone. Maybe we'll do things together now that won't involve drinking." Joel smiled. 

"Okay, Joel will be your sponsor and you call him anytime of the day or night. If you think you're losing it, call. He doesn't mind. Got it?" 

"Got it, Sela. Thank you. And thank you, Joel." 

They walked out and Rafe said, "Joel, I didn't know you came here. Hell! I didn't know you had a drinking problem." 

"Remember my messy divorce? Well, that's why. She was smart to get away from me and now it's too late. But there might be someone somewhere that wouldn't mind a broken person." Joel laughed. 

"Joel, you're not broken. You were twisted up a little, but you're back." Jim told him. 

"Thanks, Jim. Well, I have to go home and go to bed. I'm tired. I'm old." All four men walked out and got into their cars. 

When Jim got to the loft, he sat down with a bottle of water and started reading all of the pamphlets that Sela gave him. Jim was finding some very interesting things about people that drink. And sure enough, he fit into the group that would have made a bigger mess out of their life if they wouldn't have stopped drinking. Jim marked every Tuesday on his calendar. He had to get used to going and making that effort or Simon would never let him back into the bullpen for good. 

"What the shit?" Jim yelled to no one in particular. He was reading that for the first two months, he should be celibate. No sex, again. Jim hadn't had sex in months. I wonder if Sela would count that towards my two months. 

As he continued reading, he realized they were big into the 'God' factor and Jim wasn't. In fact most of the time, he was into the 'I hate God factor'. So that might prove a problem but he'd wait and see. There was a knock on the door and Jim stood up and said, "Who is it?" 

"I have a delivery for Detective Jim Ellison." 

"Slide a card under the door." Jim could never be too careful and this person had the peep hole covered with something. 

A business card was slid under the door and Jim watched out the peep hole and saw it was indeed a man delivering something. He picked the card up and saw it was from an art studio and finally he opened the door. 

"Next time you might want to hold the delivery to the side. I couldn't see you through the door." Jim was just making a suggestion. 

"Oh man, I'm sorry. I never thought of that. Thanks for telling me. Here you go. I need you to sign here." 

"What is this and who is it from?" Jim asked the young man. 

"Hell if I know. I just make deliveries for my uncle. He makes the art. You'll love it. He's good." 

Jim signed it and gave him a tip. Once the young man left; Jim locked up. He took the package to the table and opened it carefully. He stood there in shock when he saw what it was. It was breathtaking and Jim felt suddenly lightheaded.

It was huge, at least 28X36, matted, with glass and frame and the artist caught Blair at his most serious. Yes, Jim not only was in love, but now he knew that Blair had other sides to him. This detective decided he had to find out everything he could about Blair. 

It took him about an hour to find the perfect spot for the art and then he hung it up. It made his living room look like an actual living room. Blair, unknowingly, was thawing out hard Jim Ellison. 

Jim dialed Blair's number, hopefully. Well, if it didn't work, he could go downstairs again. "Sandburg." 

"Hey." 

"Hey, yourself. Why are you still up?" 

"You sound like my dad." Jim laughed. 

"How are you doing?" 

"Thank you, Blair. It's beautiful. I already hung it up if you want to come and see it." 

"Jim, maybe Friday night?" Blair sounded like he was making a date. 

"Can I tell you something, Chief?" 

"Sure." 

"I started AA tonight and I can't have sex for two months so I'm letting you know if you want out. You've already waited long enough. Well, I don't know if you waited. Hell, I just wanted to say thank you. I have to go. Night," and Jim closed the cell. 

Jim started the pacing again and shouted, "You're a fucking idiot." Then he threw his cell phone across the room, hitting the wall and it flew into pieces. 

Jim cleaned up and went upstairs to go to sleep. He couldn't sleep at all. He felt like crying and he didn't like that feeling. What was wrong? What was going on? Jim picked up the phone by his bed and dialed Blair's number. 

"Sandburg." 

"Could I try this again?" 

"What happened to your phone?" Blair snapped. 

"I broke it. I'm sorry. Okay? I need to talk to you. Something is wrong." 

"What's wrong, Jim? Talk to me." Blair went into doctor mode. 

Jim didn't speak for a moment and Blair said, "Jim, are you all right?" 

"Blair, I don't cry and I want to now. But I don't want to. I'm not making any sense. I'm sorry." 

"Okay, you're telling me that you are so moved you feel like crying. That's not a bad thing, Jim. A lot of people are moved by things, places or people. If something moves you, then feel. Open yourself up to feelings. A strong man can cry. A frightened man doesn't. Always remember that you're a strong one. So if you need to cry, then you know where I am." 

"Could you come over?" Jim asked miserably. 

"Jim, I don't want to because we would end up having sex and that's not what you need right now. Does it help if I tell you I haven't had sex in five months?" 

"Yeah, that does help. I figured I made a fool of myself earlier." Jim sounded better. 

"Jim, we're going to make it. Give it some time. But can I tell you something else?" Blair asked softly. 

"Chief, you can tell me anything you want." 

"I think I'm totally in love with you and not because I'm your guide." 

"Thank you. I love you, too. Thank you for waiting for me." Jim was pretty pleased with himself and life right now. 

"I have to go to bed, Jim. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" 

"You know it. Two months will fly by, right?" 

"If you say so." Blair laughed and said "goodbye." 

Maybe the time would fly by, but Blair doubted it. Jim looked too damn good to not want him day and night. 

The following day Jim was sitting at his desk when he heard Sandburg's familiar heartbeat in the elevator. He smiled at Jim as he walked to Simon's door and knocked. Simon took him in and shut the door and Jim was very tempted to listen. Instead, he got up and went back to see Joel. He looked down at himself and saw that he was hard as a rock. He knew right then that this was going to be such fucking fantastic fun, time, and of course when he talked to himself, he was always sarcastic. 

Joel met him in the hall and said, "Want a cup of coffee?" 

"That sounds good, Joel. Thanks." Jim sat down and had to adjust himself twice to get comfortable. 

"Something I'm wearing perhaps?" Joel teased.

Jim burst out laughing and said, "Lack of sex will do this to a man." 

"You're not seeing anyone? I thought you liked our man, Sandburg." 

"I do, that's the trouble. He's here, talking to Simon, and it made me hard as rock just having him in the building." Jim shifted again, grimacing. 

"Jim, I never followed the two month rule, if that helps at all. I followed everything else they told me, but I had to have sex now and then." 

"Joel, you mean, I could invite Blair over tonight and we could have sex?" Jim hadn't thought he could get any harder. He was fucking wrong. 

"That's what I would do." Joel looked and saw Simon and Blair coming down the hall. 

"They're almost here, Jim. Pull yourself together." Joel helped him try to get his Dockers to look less tented. Both men were laughing their asses off. 

Simon and Blair walked in and Jim stood up and saluted, but not with his hand. Joel stood in front of him and said, "Hey, Doctor Sandburg. It's very good to see you again." 

Simon looked at Jim like he was insane and said, "Why don't we all sit down and discuss this Sentinel stuff?" 

Jim walked to the door and said, "I'll be right back." Jim took off running to the restroom. 

"What is wrong with him?" Simon asked. 

"Well, he read the AA pamphlets last night and he thought he had to follow the two month no sex rule. You don't. That's for someone that can't stay sober and makes poor choices in relationships." Joel explained.

Blair jumped up and said, "Which way to the bathroom?" 

Both men pointed and he took off running as fast as Jim had. He rushed into the bathroom and saw only one set of legs in a stall, so he locked the door. He listened and could hear Jim trying so hard to be quiet, but he was huffing and puffing sounding like he was pretty damn close. 

Blair knocked on stall door and said, "Could I get a spot in there?" 

"Chief, I don't want to have sex in a bullpen restroom for our first time. Please?" 

"Okay, I'll just go whack off over in the other stall." Blair took one step and Jim said, "Can I taste you?" 

"Yes, you can." Blair was trying to get the fucking door open and finally Jim said, "Tonight, I'll taste you. I want to go back to the office and get this Sentinel information to both of them as soon as possible." 

"You're a cock tease, Ellison." Blair hit the door hard as he was going out to the hallway. 

Jim finished whacking off because he was that close. He came so hard his head felt like it was going to explode. He knew he had to get his breathing under control and get cleaned up. So that's what he did. 

When he walked into Joel's office Blair was telling Joel how to bring him out of a zone. Joel asked all kinds of good questions making Blair feel like Jim had chosen the right person to be his back up. 

"Doctor Sandburg, have you ever thought about coming to the police department and being part of our happy family? We just lost our head shrink, so there's a major opening." Joel truly meant this in a good way. 

"The only way I would come here, is if Major Crime needed me for Victim Support or Officer Support, that type of thing. Have you anything like that for Major Crime?" Blair asked, honestly interested. 

"We've never had one, but that could change. If you draw up an outline of what type of money we're talking about, I'll take it to the Commissioner." Simon offered. 

"Very cool, Simon. Thank you, but I'd want a meeting with the Commissioner." Blair beamed. 

Simon said, "It's Captain Banks." 

"Simon, I don't believe in those titles. You call me Blair." 

"I'm going to call you to an ass whipping if you don't call me Captain." Simon was livid. 

"Now, see! I could take that as a sexual remark and I don't care for your tone, Captain." Blair spat back. 

"You win, Blair. Call me whatever you like." Simon left the office and Jim could hear him talking all the way down the hall. "Pain in the ass, son-of-a-bitch. I just know I'm going to regret all of this." 

Jim started laughing and Blair said, "Stop doing that." 

"What's he doing, Blair?" Joel asked. 

"He's listening to what Simon is saying as he left the room. No one should have to listen. You know he's calling me a few choice names." Blair smiled like he was proud.

Joel and Jim both started to laugh. Joel sat down and asked, "So do you think you'll be coming to the PD?" 

"Yeah, I think if anyone needs it, it would be you guys." Blair dodged the whack on the back of the head that Jim tried to give him. 

"Anyhow, I'm going to go and get that all written up and bring it back. Jim, are we still on for dinner tonight? Jim noticed that Blair didn't seem quite so sure of himself. 

After a moment, he said, "Yes, we sure are. See you at my place at 7:00. You do like the game, right?" 

"Doesn't everyone?" Blair smiled and walked out the door.

"Jim, he's great. You two are going to be very happy." Joel pounded Jim on the back as he drew him into a hug. 

"Joel, don't tell anyone about us. I'm not ready to be out. And believe me, not everyone feels like you do." Jim pleaded. 

"Sure. You'll do it when the time is right, I'm sure." Joel was a little disappointed in Jim, but knew that it must be hard to come out in a workplace. 

That night, while Jim was cooking, Blair was heading up to the loft in the elevator. There was a lovely woman riding along with him. Blair couldn't help it. "I've got a date." 

"How nice. Which apartment?" she asked. 

"307. He's the greatest thing on earth." Blair was bubbling with excitement. 

The doors opened and Blair almost flew to 307. He knocked and Jim opened it. The larger man pulled him in really fast and they began to kiss. Jim opened his eyes and there stood Carolyn in front of his still open door. Fuck... 

"Carolyn. What are you doing here?" Jim seemed to have a hard time finding his normal voice. 

"I think I should ask you that. What do you think you're doing, Jimmy? We break up, so you go to a man? Have you lost your mind?" 

"Caro, I've been with men before. He's not the first." Jim acted as though that would explain everything. Blair wanted to slap him senseless, but then, who would he fuck later? 

"Hi, I'm Doctor Blair Sandburg and I work with Jim." Blair held out his hand but Carolyn didn't take it.

"Well, isn't that cozy. Does the AMA know that you not only date patients, you fuck them? I can't believe he's hanging out with a fucking fag."

"Caro, I'm also a fucking fag, so please stop saying that. He's not my doctor. I have a therapist and I don't go to Blair for that at all." Jim explained again. 

"Carolyn, why are you here?" Blair decided to try and cut her off at the pass. 

"I'm here to take my husband out for dinner." She spat at Blair. 

"Well, Dorky isn't here." Jim sneered this time. 

"It's Docky, not Dorky." 

You had to love this man. He was so precious and in the middle of a crisis, he made fun of someone's name. Blair couldn't help it, he burst out laughing making Carolyn glare at him for a while. 

"I have dinner plans, Carolyn." Jim offered. 

"Well, you're going to be the one that's sorry, Jimmy. Everyone's going to know about this. I wonder how many friends you'll have then. I wonder how many people won't show up for back-up." Carolyn was very angry. 

"Carolyn, please don't hurt him like that. Is there something you need or want? Just talk to him, I can go into another room. Please don't make this worse than it has to be." Blair walked into the small office. 

"What's going on, Caro?" 

"He's going to leave me if we don't have a child. I don't want to adopt and he's sterile. I want a baby in the worst way. Jimmy, I am capable of loving a child, don't you believe that?" 

"Yes, honey. I truly believe you're a loving person. We just fell out of love. But I also can't give part of me away." Jim needed her to understand. 

"Jimmy, please? He'll leave me and I love him more than anyone. I'm sorry, but it's true. I adore the man andhe would make such a good dad." 

"I'll have to think on it and get back to you, Caro." 

"Baby, it has to be now. I'm ovulating right now." Caro looked hopeful for the first time in ages. 

Blair walked out and said, "I don't share." 

"I don't want him, Sandburg. I want the child." Carolyn was getting angry. 

"Well, they're one and the same, so take a hike." Blair stood his ground. 

"Jimmy, are you going to let him talk to me that way?" 

"Go home to Dorky and tell him it's his fault." Jim opened the door for her to leave. 

"I'm telling everyone, Jimmy." Carolyn stormed out the door. 

"And I'll tell everyone he shoots blanks." Jim screamed back. 

Jim slammed it and Blair knew that their evening just went downhill. 

"Are we still going to watch the game?" Blair asked very quietly. 

"Of course we are. Dinner's done, you hungry?" 

"You betcha. What did you make me?" Blair loved the smell of the food, but really loved being this close to Jim's scent. 

"You like the way I smell?" Jim asked blushing. 

"How did you know I was smelling your scent?" 

"I heard you and then I smelled your pheromones." Jim started dishing up their food and they sat at the table. 

"Jim, would you tell me about your time in Peru?" Blair asked.   
So, shockingly, Jim found himself opening up to his friend and told him all about his unit, the crash and how he buried them all. He also told him about the Shaman there who seemed to connect well with Jim. With a smile on his face, he talked about the village and how much he missed them at times. 

They both ate while Jim talked about it and before long they were done and it was two hours later. "Feel like cheesecake?" 

"I love cheesecake. Can I give you a hand?" Blair offered. 

"Sure, come on in here and get two plates down and I'll slice it for us. Do you want cherries or strawberries on it?" 

"Strawberries, thank you. Man, that looks so good." Blair held out the dishes while Jim filled them. Then they got the fruit and sat back down. 

As they ate, Blair said, "Jim, you're the most honest, loving and courageous man I've ever met in my life. I just wanted to tell you that." 

Jim blushed and continued to eat. When Jim started cleaning off the table, Blair helped; before long they were side by side doing dishes and hurrying so they could watch the game.

When Blair walked into the living room, he saw the finished art piece that he had sent to Jim. It was beautiful. No wonder Jim had said he loved it. It was worth every dime. "Hey, Jim, I love this. It turned out really nice." 

"I love it, Chief. You're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met and this captures that beauty for me to look at forever. Thank you again." 

Not knowing what to say, he sat on the sofa, and said, "Man, I love the Jags. Nothing beats one of their games." 

"I agree, Chief. I'm glad you like them too. But quit trying to dodge compliments." 

"Okay, I'll work on it. Geeze, did you go to Medical school or something?" Blair teased. 

They watched the game and shouted, rooted and hollered at all the same times, making each other laugh.

About half way through Jim noticed that Blair was adjusting himself. "Chief, will you take your clothes off for me? I'd like to just touch you while we watch the game." 

"That wouldn't be very fair to you." Blair stated. 

"Believe me, when the time comes, I'll be taking mine off. I just want to touch you for awhile." 

Blair stood up and slipped off his shirt and smiled at Jim licking his lips. He then slipped off his shoes socks and slacks. All he had left was the boxers. He slid them down and Jim could see that he was blushing. 

"Come here, Chief. I want to hold you." And hold him he did. Blair felt odd sitting on Jim's lap, but got over it once Jim's hands began to roam over his body. No matter what was going on with the game, Jim continued to rub, caress and show his love. They did watch the game, although Blair was having a very hard time concentrating because Jim kept bringing him to the edge and then backing off. Jim held on to Blair's cock and started pumping it again and this time, Blair held on too. He was going to come or kill Jim. Jim stopped moving his hand and said, "My way, baby." 

"Jim, can I make love to you?" 

There was no answer and Jim pulled away from Blair. "How about I make love to you tonight?" 

"Okay. Then maybe I could make love to you later tonight?" Blair inquired. He knew this was going to be a problem. 

"Chief, I don't bottom." 

"Have you ever done it before?" 

"No, and I don't want to." 

"Well, okay, I think I'm going home." Blair stood up and began to dress. 

"Blair, come on. Some people don't like the idea of being a bottom. You'd think that you would understand that." 

"Why, because I'm a bottom?" 

"No, because you're a doctor." 

"Jim, just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I understand everything. I'm just like you. Oh wait, I'm not just like you because I try new things. I'm not a chicken shit." By this time Blair was completely dressed and walked out the door. 

"Ellison, this is an all time record. First date and he dumped you. Wouldn't Joel be proud?" Jim was talking to himself as he locked up for the night.

About 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang and Jim picked it up, "Ellison." 

"Jim? I'm sorry." The voice on the other end didn't sound like his usual Blair. He sounded brokenhearted. 

"Hey, Chief. Talk to me." 

"I've had this dream of me fucking you since the day we met and I let it get out of hand. If you don't want to be a bottom, that's fine. I'm sorry I threw such a fit and left." 

"Can you come over now?" Jim asked hopefully.

"Yes, I'll be there in ten minutes. I love you." 

"I love you too, Chief. Drive carefully." 

Jim raced down the stairs and took a quick shower, cleaning himself everywhere, making sure he would be ready for anal sex. Shaving his own ass wasn't as easy as it sounded but he wanted things to be perfect, and his ass shaved was indeed perfect. This was going to be a nice surprise for Blair.

Blair got there about five minutes later and Jim opened up the door naked and hard. Blair smiled and said, "Lead the way, big man." 

Jim took his hand and they walked up the stairs. There wasn't much talk as Jim undressed Blair and laid him on the bed. They began to kiss until they knew they wanted more. 

Blair pushed Jim on his back and began to kiss his nipples, making Jim rise to each suction and licking. "You like that, Jim?" 

"Fuck yeah." 

Blair then moved down and began to lick Jim's navel and realized it was driving him crazy too. The sounds Jim were making were enough to make a person come easily. Blair looked up at Jim and was shocked to see this passionate man before him that was making sounds he had never heard before. Man, someone sent me a god. 

He then moved down and began to lick around the tip of Jim's cock, making the large man almost come off the bed. Then he started to suck and each time took in a little more of him. By the time he reached his goal, Jim was about insane with need. 

"Suck me, baby. Suck me." 

Blair followed his orders and sucked him dry. Jim came so hard that he really did think he zoned, but it was just some type of after-glow. The type where you can't even breathe right for ten minutes. 

"Was that all right?" Blair asked smiling. 

"Fuck yeah. Now fuck me." Jim slid his legs apart and said, "I want to see you do it." 

Jim handed Blair the lube and Blair got Jim prepared. He was in shock that this man was going to do this all of a sudden. 

"Jim, are you sure you want to do this?" 

"Blair, I love you more than I've loved anyone. Please make love to me." 

Well, that was enough for Blair. After stretching him, he slowly slid into Jim and watched his face. He saw the look of pain for a few moments and then Jim smiled. "Okay, Chief, you can move now." 

As Blair fucked him, he watched Jim the whole time. It was quite a show. Jim's expressions ran from pain, bliss, delight, pleasure, ending with love. Making love to Jim was a pure joy. He pulled Jim's legs up higher over his shoulders and pounded into him, once he knew Jim was comfortable. And every time Blair hit Jim's prostate, Jim would scream, "Fuck yeah." making Blair pound even harder. Before long Blair reached down and started pumping Jim's cock and Jim said, "Oh god." Jim shot come all over both of them and Blair followed a few thrusts behind. 

Blair waited a while and pulled out of Jim and cleaned him up. Then he cleaned himself up and crawled into bed with the large man. Jim pulled him into his arms and said, "Thank you. I never knew it would be like that. It was fantastic." 

"It was for me, too. I've never topped. I was so scared but I watched your face and it helped me. Thank you, Jim, for giving me this." Blair kissed him and cuddled closer. 

"I love you, Blair." 

"I love you, Jim." 

And like that, it was decided that Blair would spend the night. Jim always wondered about that saying, "I have a date with an angel," came from. Well, now he knew. He did have that date with an angel and now he was spending all night with him. 

When Jim woke up, it was to a frantic Blair. "Jim, have you seen my shoe?" 

Jim sniffed the air and said, "Over here. I can smell it." 

"I have stinky feet?" 

"No, I can smell your different odors. Where are you going?" 

"To work." 

"All ready?" Jim whined a little. "I was hoping for morning sex." 

"Well, fuck!" Blair took his clothing off again and they were off and running. It was Jim's turn to make Blair feel good this morning... and he did. While Jim was fucking Blair, he looked down and saw a sad look on his face. "Chief, what's wrong?" 

"Will you leave me?" 

"No, I'm going to stay with you, baby." Jim said as he started pounding into the tight ass below him. 

When Blair came he cried out and Jim closely followed. They went down for a shower and Jim kept kissing him telling him how much he loved him. Blair seemed depressed. "All right what did I do?" 

Blair looked up into his eyes, with his own misting and said, "You called me Caro." 

"No way." 

"Yes, way." Blair countered. 

"Shit... I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I have no excuse. I haven't been with her in ages." Jim just stood there not knowing what to do or say. 

"Jim, maybe you need to put closure on your relationship with her. Or maybe you need to go ahead and have that child with her." 

"What? Are you nuts? She doesn't love me. She only wants a baby and her husband is totally nuts. I don't want a baby of mine being raised by him or her, for that matter." Jim was ranting now. 

"Then why did you call me her name." 

"I don't fucking know. You tell me." Jim spat out angrily. 

"I think you might still be in love with her." Blair was so sad. 

"No, I'm in love with you. God, please don't do this. It might have been out of habit. She was the only one in my bed until you. Please don't leave me." Jim reached out and pulled Blair into his arms. He held on tight and Blair finally said, "We'll go slow, Jim." 

"Okay, just don't leave me." Jim prayed aloud. 

"Jim, what if someone finds out about us at the station?" 

"Then we'll deal with it." 

"That's not a good enough answer. Would you tell someone in your bullpen that you have a male lover? Would you tell your boss? Would you tell Joel?" 

"This isn't fair. You have no idea what it's like in a police station. They don't like it if you're gay. So I'd rather not tell anyone, although Simon knows." Jim answered. 

"Not anyone else? Ever?" 

"Not anyone else. Ever." 

"Well, Jim, this is where I get off. Nice knowing you. I won't be with anyone that's ashamed of me." Blair dressed hurriedly and Jim didn't try and stop him which broke Blair's heart. 

When Jim arrived at the bullpen Simon could see the darkness surrounding Jim. "Ellison, my office." 

"Sir?" 

"Come in and shut the door." 

Jim did and sat down. "What's up, Simon?" 

"Want to tell me what's wrong?" 

"Simon, I'm entitled to a private life. I'm seeing a therapist. I go to AA. What the fuck else do you want?" 

"How about talking to your friend. I see you hurting, I want to help." 

"Well, you can't help. I'm an asshole, I've always been an asshole and will probably always be one. So what is new?" Jim ranted. 

"So this is about you and Sandburg?" 

"You really want to hear about it?" Jim was shocked. 

"No, Jim, I don't want to hear about it. I thought I made that clear. Find someone that will listen about homosexuals. It's not going to be me. And keep it out of the bullpen." 

"Thanks a lot, Simon." Jim walked out of his office and went back to Joel's. 

Jim then told Joel about the argument he and Blair had, had and left out the sex parts, of course. 

"Well, Jim, shit or get off the pot." Joel laughed at the look on Jim's face. 

"Very nice advice, Joel." 

"Make up your mind. You either want him or you don't. Then move on." 

"Should I call and take him for coffee this morning?" Jim looked at the floor. 

"Good idea, it's quiet. But if we get a DB, I'm calling on your cell phone. Oh better yet, you could take Sandburg to the site and let him see it." Joel howled at his own joke. 

"Joel, you're sick." Jim walked out of the room with Joel still laughing. 

Jim picked up his phone and dialed Blair's office. "Dr. Sandburg's office." 

"Hi, Sheryl, is Blair in?" 

"Yeah, I'll get him, Jim. He seems sad today." 

"I'll make him happier, I promise." 

"Doctor Sandburg." 

"Doctor, I have this problem. I keep putting my foot in my mouth and messing up my relationship. I need the most important person in my life to know how much I love him." Jim waited for a reply. 

"Who is this?" 

"Jim." 

"I know that, you nut. I was teasing. I liked your little speech." 

"I have some things to ask you. Would you go to Al-Anon, while I'm at AA each week? I was considering a drink today when I blew us apart so I'm not out of the woods yet. But I'd like for you to see me through my eyes. You'll see people dealing with their abusive and alcoholic husbands or wives. You'll see how it's not up to you to fix me, but only up to you to make yourself happy. Don't try and fix me, Blair. Could you do that?" Jim waited. 

"Yes, I could do that. Thank you for asking me to go." 

"Secondly, I don't love my ex-wife. I thought I needed her for a time, but you're so much better, Blair. You love me, you need me and you want me. She gave me none of those feelings for ages. So if I call you Caro again, smack me and tell me right then." 

"That I could do. All right, you've talked me into getting back together. But we still have the gay problem. I'm okay with it. You're not. What will we do?" Blair wondered aloud. 

"I'm going to try. Simon knows. He doesn't approve, but he knows. Joel knows and he does approve. I'm going to tell Henry and Rafe, if that's all right? Then we'll play it by ear." Jim hoped that was good enough. 

"That's fine. I love you, Jim." 

Rafe and Brown were standing in front of Jim's desk and Jim answered, "And I love you, Chief. See you tonight?" 

"My place tonight. I'm cooking you dinner. Come right after work. I want to go over some of the things I'm going to put into that proposal for the Commissioner. You can help me. Then you can fuck me." Blair's smile could be heard in his words.

"I could do that, Chief. I would love to do that." 

"See you tonight, Jim. Oh, and we're also going to go over some of the Sentinel stuff so we can practice some things. Is that all right?" 

"Sure is." 

"Someone standing there, Jim?" 

"Sure is." 

"Embarrassed?" 

"No fucking way. I'm going to fuck you senseless when I see you tonight. I love you." 

"Whoa, could you come for lunch?" 

"I could and I will. See you at noon, Chief. I love you." 

Jim hung the phone up and Rafe and Brown stood there with their mouths open. "Can I talk to you guys alone?" 

They all walked back to the break room and Jim shut the door. "Rafe and Brown, I just wanted to let you know that I'm dating a guy so it doesn't hit you up side the head one day if you saw us. His name is Doctor Blair Sandburg. You met him the other day." 

Brown smiled and said, "He's a cool dude. I liked him. I don't know what he sees in you but whatever. Good luck, Jim." 

"Very funny, Brown. You're cool with that?" Jim asked nervously. 

"Very cool. I have a cousin that's gay and we're best friends. So it's nothing to me." 

Rafe looked at both of them as if they had two heads and said, "Well, Ellison, I don't care who you date, but don't expect me to like it." 

"Fair enough, Rafe." Jim looked at his shoes and said, "I'm sorry." 

"Sorry for what?" 

"Just sorry. I was hoping to have everyone like everyone so we could still have the poker games and all of that but life doesn't always work out as planned." Jim said sadly. 

"I don't get to come to poker anymore?" Rafe looked heartbroken. 

"No, I meant you wouldn't want to." Jim replied. 

"I want to. I like you. Just give me a little time, Ellison. Okay?" Rafe asked. 

"You got it. Thanks, guys." Jim walked to his desk and began some paperwork. 

Simon looked out into the busy bullpen and smiled. No problems. So far. 

Jim ran over to Blair's office to take him out for lunch and as they walked down the street, Jim stopped and tied his shoe and reached up for Blair's hand and held on. When he got up, he continued to hold on. It was the first time he'd been so open about their relationship. Blair was impressed. His heart was beating a little harder just knowing that Jim didn't care. "You okay, Chief?" 

"I love you." 

"Good." 

While at lunch, Blair informed Jim of what he had in his formal paperwork for the Commissioner. Jim realized the Commish would be an idiot to pass up Blair Sandburg. They had needed something like this for a long time. Jim wished him well as he left him at City Hall.

Three hours later, Simon opened up his door and said, "Ellison, my office." 

"Yes?" 

"Sandburg talked the Commish into the appointment. So he's the official grief and survivors counselor for police officers and victims. He starts in two weeks. I hope that you know your personal lives can't take center stage while here in the bullpen." 

"Where will his office be?" Jim asked as he chose to ignore the insult. 

"The empty one by Joel's office. It's somewhat larger and will have more room for his file cabinets and furniture and the small one in front of it is for his secretary. You can help him fix it up if you want, I'm not getting involved. Order some paint and get some new furniture." Simon suggested. 

"The painting sounds good, but Blair has a room full of furniture. I think he'll take that with him." Jim replied. 

Simon opened up the door and said, "Anyone want to volunteer to help Ellison with painting duty for Dr. Sandburg's new office?" 

"That's great news, Jim." Joel said. "Count me in." 

"Us, too." Brown volunteered for Rafe all the time. 

"There you go, Ellison." Simon said and then turned to Jim and said, "Don't you have any work to do today?" 

Jim wanted his old friend back in the worst way, but instead he went back to his desk. The phone rang and Blair said, "Guess what?" 

"What?" Jim wanted to let him be the one to tell his news. 

Drowning His Sorrows Part 2

Patt 

So Blair did just that. He told him how fantastic the meeting went, how much more money he was going to be making at the station and it was going to be a great way to help people. Jim could picture him bouncing around as he was telling him. 

"Congratulations, Chief." Jim finally got a moment to say something. 

"You gonna take me out to celebrate?" 

"Sounds good to me. Where do you want to go?" Jim asked. 

"How does my place sound? Then we'll be close to a bed, too." Jim could hear the humor in his lover's voice. 

"What time?" 

"As soon as you get off, baby." Blair said huskily. 

"Okay, I'll be off about 7:00; is that all right?" 

"Be great. See you then. I love you." Blair was about to burst with happiness. 

When Jim got off the phone, Simon came rushing into the bullpen and said, "Robbery and hostage situation going down at 4th and Pearl. Come on." 

Jim rode with Joel, as planned, and everyone else was there, too. It didn't go well. The suspect took all of the hostages' lives and then his own. There seemed to be blood everywhere. Jim had so much blood on him he was almost sick. The smell was overpowering. 

"Jim, why don't we go back and take showers so we can get the blood off. Homicide's here now." Joel said. 

"Thanks, Joel." Jim put a tarp underneath him and they went back to the precinct. 

Jim couldn't get to the locker room fast enough. He stripped and got into a shower stall. He knew someone else was in there but he didn't care who it was. 

While Jim was washing blood off of everything and everywhere, he heard a very familiar voice say, "Hey, good looking. What ya got cooking?" 

Jim washed the soap out of his eyes and opened them to find Tate Moorely. 

"What are you doing here?" Jim was shocked and didn't like the idea of being naked and alone with his old lover. 

"I came back to Cascade and I thought I would look you up. I'm up in Homicide. I asked Joel where you were and he told me." Tate answered. 

Jim couldn't take his eyes off of this man. God, he had been hot for him. He couldn't remember a time when he didn't want him. "Why are you looking me up? You left me." 

"You didn't want to come out, Jim. What was I to think? But since then I realized most men don't want to come out. I'm fine with being in." He pulled Jim close and said, "As inside of you." 

Jim blushed on his entire body and then said, "I'm with someone else now." 

"I heard your wife busted it up." Tate shot back. 

"It's not my wife. His name is Blair." Jim dried off and got dressed as quickly as he could. 

"So if you're with someone else, why were you hard, Ellison?" Tate was going to torment him now. 

"You took me off guard, Moorely. So don't do it again." Now that Jim was dressed he felt on top of things again. 

"Does he fuck you as well as I did?" 

"Fuck you. I'm not discussing that crap with you." Jim got his things together and started out. 

"Jim, what would you think about coming up to Homicide?" Tate knew Jim would love it. 

"I might think about it but I don't think we could work together, Tate." 

"Yes, we could, give it a chance. I've talked to the Captain and he said he would love to have you there." Tate was very excited. 

"Nah, sorry. I have to pass on it." Jim continued walking. 

"Pass on it? What are you nuts? You've always wanted to be in Homicide. You used to talk about it all the time." Tate was reminding him of old times. 

"Well, it's not old times and I like where I am. I like who I am, so bugger off." Jim said with a smile. 

"Jim, I need to discuss something with you. Seriously." Tate did look serious. 

"When?" 

"Over dinner." Tate still looked serious. 

"I have plans. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow?" Jim asked. 

"It really can't wait, Jim." 

"Where should we meet?" Jim asked. 

"We'll go together if that's all right." Tate smiled as he finished getting dressed. 

Jim picked up his cell and called Blair. 

"Sandburg." 

"I'm sorry I'm so late but something's come up and I won't be able to make it." Jim hoped he wouldn't ask questions. 

There was quiet and then Blair said, "Will you still spend the night?" 

"I don't know, Chief." 

"Okay, well be careful." Blair hung up without saying goodbye, I love you or go fuck yourself. 

Jim rode with Tate and they talked about old days mostly; thanks to Tate. Jim would just as soon forget. "Jim, remember how you used to be able to fuck me for two hours? God, I loved that. And I've found no one that can do it since." 

"Tate, I really don't want to discuss that kind of stuff with you." 

"Sorry. I just missed you. I guess you didn't miss me." Tate was a lot like Blair with pouting. 

"I missed you a lot, Tate. God, I was lost when you left. Then I met Carolyn and we fell in love. It was pretty good for awhile but then it fell apart." Jim explained. 

"I'm sorry, Jim. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for not telling you how much I loved you." 

"You never told me you loved me." Jim growled. 

"Well, I did. I'm a chicken shit. And I do love you. I loved you then and I love you now. Jim, please, just think about us." Tate made the offer and waited for the answer. 

"How do I know you wouldn't leave me again?" The insecure Jim was coming to surface. The secure Jim knew he was never going back with this man. 

"I promise I won't leave you." Tate said it softly. 

They got to the restaurant and ordered some decent food, drinks and Jim turned his beer down. "Jim, what's happened to you?" 

"I can't drink. I go to AA." 

"You never had a drinking problem before. Baby, I left you and you went to pieces, didn't you?" Tate touched his hand tenderly. 

"More or less. But I can't blame people anymore. I have to take control." 

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." Tate kissed Jim and Jim let him. The old feelings moved over him and he felt good. "Jim, we don't want to make out here. Let's blow this pop stand." Tate paid the bill and they walked out. They no sooner got to the vehicle and they were making out again. Before long Tate opened up Jim's jeans and slid his hand down the front of him. He began pumping him with much enthusiasm. 

"Tate, stop, Tate, I said stop!" Jim was trying to get his brain to tell his cock to stop too. 

"Yes, baby, it's just like it used to be, isn't it? I love you." Then Tate move down and took Jim's cock into his mouth. 

Now Jim's brain did come alive. "No. I said no. Move your mouth or I'll move it for you." 

"Jim, you just kept saying my name. Make up your mind." 

"I was trying to think. And I said stop. Fuck. I want time to think this over. I can't fuck around on Blair." Jim got out of his vehicle and started walking. 

Tate took off the other way. Jim wasn't too far from Blair's and he felt he needed to talk to him. 

When Blair opened the door, he had a big smile on his face. "Hey, I didn't think you'd make it. I love you." The two men kissed and Blair pulled away and said, "Jim, you have beer taste on your lips." 

"I know. I need to talk to you." 

"You drank?" Blair hoped it was all. 

"No, Chief. I need you to listen to the whole story and then we'll discuss it." Jim sat and told him all about Tate and what had happened tonight. He also told Blair that for a few moments he was tempted to let him fist his cock, but he came to his senses. He apologized for being an ass and then sat back and waited for Blair's retort. 

"Well, I'm glad you didn't drink, Jim, but I think you might still want this Tate person. Maybe you should date him for awhile." 

"What about us, Blair?" Jim looked heartbroken. 

"Jim, I'm here. You can date both of us and then decide." Blair was trying to be so brave. "Oh who am I fucking kidding? You choose: him or me. I'm not sharing you, Jim." 

Jim pulled him into his arms and said, "Good to know. I love you so much and I'm not going to be his either." 

"Want to fuck me?" Blair asked with a big grin on his face. 

"Do I look stupid? Race you to the bedroom." Jim ran after Blair and picked him up and threw him over his shoulder. He ran into the bedroom and yelled, "Me Jim, you Blair." And then threw him on the bed. Blair was sniggering like a loon and forgot very quickly about this Tate person. The young man knew that he would have to deal with him when the time came, but for right now, he was concentrating on the cock up his ass. Man, Jim could hit his prostate like no one else ever did. 

Afterwards, they lay in each other's arms and kissed. Blair was so happy. He never dreamed that Jim would choose him. 

Jim got up to go home and Blair said, "I want you here for morning sex." 

"Sounds good to me." 

Tate was home alone, whacking off, thinking of what he could do to Jim to break up him and Blair. No way was some little Jew boy getting his man. Actually, it wouldn't matter. No one was getting his man. All he had to do was get him drunk and that would probably make some problems. Tomorrow would bring some new ideas. And that was his last thought for the night as he came screaming Jim's name out loud. 

The next day at work, Brown walked in and ignored Jim. Jim said, "Hey, Brown. Something wrong?" 

"You're an asshole." Henry said coldly. 

"I agree with him." Rafe said and sat down. 

"Well, could I have a hint?" Jim was desperate now. 

"We know that Tate is back in town and he said that you went out with him last night. Then you made out and he blew you in his car. You going to deny this?" Brown stood right up to Jim. 

"First of all, he asked me to dinner and said there was something important he had to tell me. Come to find out, he wanted me to choose between Blair and himself. Anyhow, we kissed once at the restaurant, but that was it." Jim didn't want to go into all of the other shit. 

"So you didn't come into his mouth, twice?" Rafe asked. 

"Rafe, I'm lucky I can do it once a night. You think I could do it twice while in a parking lot?" 

"That's true. So why did he tell everyone this?" Brown asked. 

"Because I turned him down." Jim answered. 

"Want us to spread a rumor?" Rafe asked with a big smile. 

"As long as it doesn't have me and Blair in it, go for it." Jim slapped Brown on the back. 

"Jim, we're sorry we jumped to a wrong conclusion." Brown said looking at the floor. 

"Just ask me next time. Chances are he'll be saying more." Jim answered. "Well, I have work to do." 

Blair called about two hours later and Jim filled him in on the rumor mill. Then when he found out about the guys spreading rumors, he said, "Well, Jim, you shouldn't have said that. That's as bad as he is." 

"Blair, you want people thinking I fucked his mouth twice in the parking lot?" Jim whispered into the phone. 

"Fuck no! Tell them to call me for some good ideas for rumors." Blair laughed and hung up. 

Jim laughed hard as he went back to work. Tate rushed off the elevator and headed Jim's way. He didn't look like he wanted a hug either. Jim stood up and Tate punched him right in front of Simon. 

Brown and Rafe held him back and Simon asked, "Want to explain why you just attacked one of my men?" 

"He said something." Tate spat out at Simon. 

"Well, I need more than that." Simon yelled at him. 

"Fine, he said that I was fucking my boss's wife." 

"Jim, did you say that?" Simon asked. 

"No, sir. I don't even know his boss, let alone if he's married." Jim said truthfully. 

"Well, there you have it." Simon shoved Tate back to the elevator and said, "Next time you come down here and hit one of my men, you will be arrested." Simon shoved him into the elevator and watched him push the button. 

"Ellison, did you say that shit?" Simon yelled across the room. 

"No, sir. I swear I didn't. I've been sitting here all day." Jim pointed to his desk, in case Simon forgot where he sat. 

"Why would he think someone said that?" Simon asked no one in particular. 

"Who knows?" Brown said as he walked back to Joel's office. 

"Shit! I bet it was Brown. Ellison, was it Brown?" Simon asked. 

"Sir, I have no idea. And really, what difference does it make?" 

"Back to work everyone. Ellison, go clean your face off." Simon ordered. 

"I'll do that and then I have work to finish." Jim went to the restroom and cleaned his face up and then walked back to his desk and began typing again. 

As soon as Simon was in his office, Jim said, "Rafe, get over here." 

Rafe sat down next to Jim and said, "What's up?" 

"What did you guys say?" 

"We told everyone that he wanted to make a play for you, but he can't get it up anymore, not since he went for his new woman... his boss's wife." Rafe smiled when he said it. 

"Will this come back to you?" Jim was worried about his friends. 

"I wouldn't worry about it because the story now is she's pregnant and trying to decide which man she wants to be with." Rafe howled. 

Even Jim had to laugh. 

Simon stood in the doorway and said, "I don't see you working." 

Rafe jumped up and went back to his desk, but he was still laughing. Simon knew it was Brown and Rafe. He was going to have to watch those idiots. 

Jim had a meeting to go to that night, so Blair was meeting him there. One room had the AA and the other had Al-Anon. Blair was looking forward to it, because he was a freak of nature, but Jim was having a nervous breakdown about his meeting. 

When they got to the rooms, Jim put on his badge and sat down. He had a cup of coffee and Tate walked up and sat next to him. Joel sat on the other side and Jim said, "What the fuck are you doing here?" 

Joel looked at him and said, "I thought you wanted me here." 

"Not you, Joel. You stay." Jim turned to Tate and said, "You get lost." 

"Hey Tate; I've never seen you here before." Joel held his hand out and Tate shook it. 

"Well, I'm a friend of Jim's and came to support his efforts even though he went off the wagon last night but what's two beers?" Tate said with a smile. 

Joel stood up and walked away. Jim knew by the walk, he was heartbroken. "You fucker." Jim shouted to him and then ran after Joel. 

"Joel, I swear, he made that up. I didn't drink last night. I swear on Blair's life." Jim hoped that would work. Well, of course it would work because everyone knew that Jim would rather give up his own life then hurt Blair in any way. 

"Good! Because I was going to pound the shit out of you, as soon as I got over my hurt feelings." 

They sat up front and Tate still followed him up. He sat across the row and kept trying to get Jim's attention. 

Sela stood up front and said, "We have a new member and his name is Tate. Please welcome him. Tate, come up and tell us why you're here." 

Tate stood up and said, "I lost my lover and I've been a mess ever since. He's also here tonight and I'm hoping that we can get back together if we both get a hold on the drinking. He's such a nice guy and we make a nice couple. So I hope that this will be a good move for both of us." 

The whole time he was talking he was looking at Jim. Joel was getting more pissed off by the moment. People behind them were snickering and talking about how it was Jim. Jim wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Joel, on the other hand, wanted to kick Tate's ass. 

Sela stood up and said, "Tate, it's not a good idea to become involved with another AA member. It's just something we like to keep separate. So I hope that you'll keep your friendship, but nothing more." 

Joel and Jim both had to bite their lips to keep from laughing. Joel leaned into Jim and said, "Now what's he going to do, the loser?" 

"Who cares? I just want him to go away." Jim smiled at Joel. 

They listened to four new members and Jim could tell that three of them had a drink before hand. He'd been there once, so he didn't have any room to judge. He realized that when he got better at this AA stuff, he could become a sponsor. He'd be able to stay on top of things all the time. Jim smiled to himself thinking that Blair had been such a good influence on him and so had Joel. 

Once the whole meeting was over Tate walked over and said, "You may as well give up now, Jim. You're going to be mine." 

"Stay away from me." Jim growled and walked away. "I belong to someone else, you moron." 

"Well, he's not getting you, Jim. I'm telling you, you're mine." 

"Yeah, who's going to force me to be yours? You? I don't fucking think so." Jim growled this time. 

Joel walked up and said, "Problems?" 

"No problems. He's going away and I'm not seeing him around me again." Jim growled again. 

"He uses that growly voice when he's in a sexy mood." Tate said to Joel. 

"Get the fuck away from him before he smacks you." Joel couldn't believe Jim had been with someone like this. 

The meeting was over and everyone left the building. Jim was always glad when they were over. 

He and Joel were standing in the parking lot waiting for Blair when Tate walked out. He leaned against the building as if he was waiting for Joel to take off. "Jim, you need me to stay?" Joel asked. 

"Just hang in your car for a few, please?" Jim smiled over at his friend. 

Blair walked out of the other meeting room and he bounced all the way to the parking lot. Joel stuck his hand out and shook hands with Blair and they exchanged some small talk. 

Tate watched Jim watch the shorter man and knew he was in for the fight of his life. Jim was in love... big time. Jim's eyes held a certain sparkle that Tate had never seen in the entire time they dated and the smile on his face was something that was difficult to describe. Something Tate had wished anyone had given to him. 

Once Joel and Blair finished talking he turned to Jim and said, "Hey, big man. How you doing?" and he went into Jim's arms. 

"I have to talk to you soon." Jim said quietly. 

"Listen, I have to go. If you have any problems, Jim, you let me know." Joel walked over to his car and got in. Joel knew that Jim knew what he meant. He'd stick around and make sure Tate didn't give them trouble. 

Tate walked over and said, "So, is this the little woman?" 

"Fuck you, Tate." Jim shouted this time. 

"Tate Moorely is my name and yours is?" 

"Blair Sandburg." Blair was really eyeing this man to see how much competition there was going to be. 

"Did he tell you how nicely he came in my mouth last night?" Tate was now wearing a sneer. 

"Actually, he told me he couldn't get it up because the sight of you repulsed him so much." Blair shot back. 

"He was lying, you idiot. He came, not once, but twice." Tate smile with an air of winning. 

"Now, Tate, was this before or after you fucked your boss's wife and found out she was pregnant with your child? I heard the news today. Congratulations." Blair just stood there calmly. 

Before anyone could think Tate punched Blair hard and Blair went down easily. Jim realized it was on purpose. Blair wasn't really hurt. Jim grabbed Tate and put him in cuffs, then pulled his phone out and called for a black and white. When they arrived, Jim, Blair and Joel gave their versions. Then they asked Blair to have pictures taken at the ER and put that in the file. 

Blair filed assault charges against Tate. Jim took him to ER first and then home afterwards and they slept all night long. 

In the morning, Jim woke up to an empty bed and missed his bed warmer. "Hey, Chief, come on back here." 

Blair walked out and climbed into bed and Jim saw his swollen face and felt horrible again. "Does it hurt?" 

"Duh." Blair teased. 

"Why don't you call Sheryl and take a day off. I've got to get to work. Don't let anyone in. Do you understand?" Jim asked. 

"Okay, I'll stay here all day. You be good at work. Play well with others." Jim kissed him before he got into the shower. Thankfully he kept clothes over at Blair's so was able to look like a new man. 

When he walked into the bullpen, Simon said, "Get in here." 

"What did I do?" 

"Shut the door and close your mouth." 

Jim shut the door and didn't like where this was going. "What's up, Captain." 

"I guess you and I are up." 

"What?" Jim was at a total loss. 

"Well, your idiot ex-lover got pissed because you brought charges against him so he told everyone in booking it was because I was fucking you. I wouldn't let you let it slide." Simon was one pissed off Captain. 

"Excuse me, but why are you pissed at me? He's the one with the big mouth." 

"Ellison, have Sandburg drop the charges and make this go away." Simon ordered. 

"Fuck you." Jim shouted and walked out of Simon's office. 

Jim went to lunch with Rafe and Brown. "Hey, Ellison, did you hear about the new rumor?" Rafe asked. 

"About me and Banks? Yes." Jim answered. 

"You gotta give this guy credit, he's got balls." Brown said laughing. 

"Well, Simon doesn't think so. He's madder than he's ever been." Jim said sadly. 

"He'll get over it, Ellison. Stop worrying." Rafe patted Jim on the back. 

"We going to have poker at your house this weekend?" Brown asked.   
"That might be just the thing to take our mind off of the idiot." Jim said, finally smiling. 

They talked business and discussed a case in general before they left. Jim gave them some ideas of where to go on it and offered to go to the house with them. 

The afternoon was pretty quiet. Jim's phone rang and he picked it up, "Ellison." 

"Hey, man." 

"Hey, yourself. How is your day going?" 

"Jim, did you guys paint that office yet?" 

"Not yet, Chief. Why?" 

"Because the Commish changed the moving date up. I move in tomorrow morning. I'll have to make room for Sheryl. She's coming along." 

"Well, there's a small office, very small, next to your new one. That one is for her." Jim was trying to be helpful. 

"We'll make sure the door has glass on it, so we can put your name on it for her office. That way everyone can check in with her first." 

"Good thinking, Jim. Now what about the painting. Want to help me tonight?" Blair was not above begging. 

"Sure. I'll see who else will help and we've got a few pickups for the furniture too." Jim offered. 

"Thanks, man. I appreciate it." 

"Well, I have to get some actual work done so Simon won't yell at me." Jim teased. 

"Okay, see you at 7:00?" Blair asked. 

"Perfect. I love you." Jim said super softly. 

"Thank you, I needed that. I love you back." Blair hung up and did indeed let Jim get back to his work. 

Rafe walked up and said, "Hey, good news. Moorely got transferred to Seattle and he's already gone." 

"Thank god." Jim said. "Hey, you guys want to help paint two rooms tonight?" 

"At the loft?" Brown asked. 

"No, here, for Blair and his secretary's offices. The Commish moved up his starting date." Jim filled them in on everything. 

"Let's ask Simon if we can start now." Brown said. 

All three men walked in and filled Simon in on the move. Simon said, "Fine, go ahead. Get the paint from maintenance. If you start now, it'll be done by morning." Then Simon went back to some paper work that was on his desk but made no effort to help in any way. 

"Simon, we're going to have poker night on Saturday. I hope you can make it." Jim said as he was leaving. 

"I'll try." Simon didn't sound happy about being invited. 

Jim, Brown, Joel and Rafe got busy and finished by 6. Both rooms looked fantastic.   
Then Joel got one of the kits to stencil paint signs on the door and put, 

Dr. Blair Sandburg, Ph.D.   
Grief and Abuse Survivor Program  
Outreach for Victims Program

Secretary: Sheryl Lennon  
Hours: 9:00-5:00  
Office Number: 555-2226  
Emergency Number: 555-1234

Jim looked at the finished product and was totally impressed with everything. "Thanks, guys. And Joel, he's going to love the sign on the door. Thank you so much." 

"So now do we need to meet him at his office and pick up his furniture and so on?" Rafe wondered aloud. 

"Let me tell him we're coming with three trucks. That'll ease his mind some." Jim went to call Blair. When he called his office, Blair answered, "Doctor Sandburg." 

"Hey, guy. We got the painting all done. We have three trucks lined up for the move. Want to start tonight?" 

"That would be great. We might be able to do it in one evening. Then I could go right to the station tomorrow." 

"See you in a little while." Jim walked off to fill his friends in. 

When the night ended at midnight, everything was in his and Sheryl's new office. Blair stayed at Jim's because he had no reason not to. He wanted to damnit and intended on having fun tonight. 

"We're having poker night on Saturday. I was hoping you could help me make up some finger foods and anything else you can think of." Jim was not above begging, either. 

"Oh, that'll be fun." Blair said happily. 

"Chief, only you would think the cooking part would be fun." Jim smiled at his love. 

"No, I meant the party." 

Instead of having fun when they got to Jim's house, they fell asleep with their clothes on and didn't wake till morning. When Jim woke up, Blair was gone. 

For the next two days, Jim was busy as hell on a high profile case. He was having a hard time focusing on finding any clues. Joel called Blair and said, "Blair, I think you might be able to help him a little better here. Are you with patients?" 

"No, I'll be there in a moment." And just like that Blair was gone. Well, after he told his watch dog where he was going. 

Blair talked Jim through the entire crime scene, using no more than his voice and touching his back. Jim found seven pieces of evidence that had been missed. At first they thought it was a suicide and then they found out it was murder. Now with these pieces of evidence, they had a chance to find out who did it. 

When Blair got back, he had a patient waiting. He was so fucking excited, he could hardly stand it. Blair took her into his office and so the next hour flew. He ended up spending two hours with her, but only charging for one. She needed the help and Blair was excited to get back into this type of therapy. 

Simon walked up to Jim and said, "Those pieces of evidence you found at the crime scene helped nail the murderer. Just thought I'd let you know." He left without saying anything more. 

Jim realized that Simon was embarrassed about all of this being said, but what if he became even angrier at Jim because he was gay. 

Before Jim knew it, it was Saturday. He cleaned the whole loft from top to bottom and began cooking like crazy. He bought a large cooler to put beer in. He told the guys they had to bring their own beer but the food would be provided. 

Blair came about 6:00 and started getting everything set up. He and Jim kissed every time they passed each other. "Jim, I think we should dress alike for tonight. What do you say?" Blair wished he would have had a camera for the look passing over Jim's face. 

"I know you must not be talking about me." Jim pinched his ass and said, "God, I love you so much." 

"How does this look?" Blair pointed to all of the food on the bar. 

"Excuse me. I just told you I love you so much and you ask me about how the food looks? I don't think so." Jim pulled him close for a much needed kiss. 

"I love you so much, back. Who all is coming tonight?" Blair asked when he got his breath back. 

"Well, there is Joel, Rafe, Brown, Simon and then four guys from traffic. They found out and wanted to come. They're nice guys." 

"Do we get to have PDA's?" 

"What the hell is that? Policeman Dickhead Awards?" Jim laughed along with Blair. 

"Public Displays of Affection." Blair said. 

"I see. You want to know if you can kiss me. Why not? Everyone knows. If they don't like it they can leave." 

"Oh goody." Blair was very excited about their first party. 

"Blair, what do you think about moving in with me?" 

"Jim, I would have to think on it. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do right now." 

"That's all I'm asking." There was a knock at the door and there was no time for anymore thinking. Jim let everyone in. Well, everyone but Simon. 

As they sat around playing cards for about two hours, Rafe said, "Where's Simon?" 

Blair suggested, "Probably still at work." 

"No, he left before we did, didn't he, Rafe?" Brown asked. 

"Yeah, I'm surprised he's not here." 

"Things come up. Things happen. Thus is life." Jim said calmly but Blair was watching him and knew they were having a talk about it later on. 

Sgt. Miller, better known as Sam said, "Sandburg, the woman you saw this afternoon is my sister. She said you really helped her. Thank you so much. We've been really worried about her. You're the first one that seems to be getting through." 

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. She's an excellent patient. I like her too." Blair smiled at him shyly. 

Everyone played poker almost all night long and at 2:00 in the morning, everyone finally started to leave. Jim and Blair cleaned up the entire loft because Blair knew that Jim would never be able to sleep with the mess. Then they both went up to bed. 

"Jim, I would love to make love to you." 

"Rain check, Chief. I ate too much tonight." 

"Okay, we'll just hold each other and sleep." Blair curled around Jim and fell asleep quickly. Once Jim heard the little snores, he got up and went down to the bathroom. 

Blair opened his eyes because he wasn't really asleep. He could hear little sniffling noises coming from the bathroom. He knew that Jim missed his friend tonight and was brokenhearted. Blair left Jim alone so that it wouldn't embarrass him. He hated that Jim felt he always had to be so strong and stoic. 

At breakfast Blair asked, "Hey, Jim, why don't you ask Simon over for dinner tonight." 

"I don't think so, Chief." 

"Well, maybe I'll ask him." 

"I said, I don't think so." Jim sounded angry this time. 

"Then grow up and march into his office and ask him why he's acting like a dick- head." 

"I know why." shouted Jim as he grabbed his jacket and left for work. 

"Well, that went well, Sandburg." Blair loved it when he talked to himself. "And he wants you to move in. That'd be wonderful; fighting all the time and yelling at each other. He won't love you long." 

The front door opened and Jim rushed in and pulled Blair into his arms. "God, I'm sorry, Chief. I love you so much. I'm moody in the mornings. I'll work on it. But I do want you to move in. I do want this to work. I love you and want to begin my life with you." 

"Okay." 

"Okay, you'll think about it. Okay, I'm moody, or okay you'll move in?" Jim was almost holding his breath. 

"Okay, I'll move in next weekend." Blair kissed him deeply and said, "We need to talk more and not yell." 

"Got it. I love you, Blair. Talk to you at the station. Gotta go." Jim flew out the door leaving behind a man with a huge grin on his face. 

Blair walked out on to the balcony and quietly said, "I love you more than life itself, Jim." He watched Jim turn to him and head back into the building again. 

Jim walked in and called Simon, "Simon, I'm having some car trouble, so I'll call Sandburg and see if he can give me a lift. I'll be late. Okay, bye." 

"You're a very bad boy." Blair led him upstairs and Jim made love to him like Blair had never had anyone do. They lay together for a short time and Blair said, "I hate to rush us but we have to get to work." 

"Okay, shower?" Jim asked. 

"Just wash really, really well." Blair said laughing as he walked down the stairs with Jim's come sliding down his leg. Jim watched with fascination and said, "That turns me on like you wouldn't believe." 

"Jim, everything turns you on. Now get washed and ready. I have to drive us, remember?" 

Before long, they both stepped off the elevator and Jim was only an hour late. "Bye, Chief." 

"See you later. Have a good day." Blair walked down to his first patient. 

Jim knocked on Simon's door and asked, "Simon, could I take you somewhere for coffee? I need to speak with you about something." 

"The break room will have to do, Ellison." Simon walked down there and made sure the door was left open. 

Jim almost whispered, "Simon, why are you doing this?" 

"Jim, I don't want people thinking we're an item." He still wasn't looking at Jim. 

"Simon, please let me take you to the diner across the street. I need to talk to you. I can't do it here." 

"I'll go somewhere but we go in my car and across town." Simon led the way and called out to Rafe, "I'll be gone for about an hour. You know my cell number." 

In the elevator someone got on and Simon was sure to stand far away from Jim, breaking Jim's heart in the process. 

Jim was quiet the entire drive and waited for Simon to say something. When they got to this little restaurant, Simon got them a booth and they sat down. Both men ordered coffee and once it came to the table, Simon said, "Jim, I've got some things to tell you and I want you to listen. I listen to you when you need to talk and I expect the same in return. Do you promise to listen and not jump up and leave?" 

"Yeah, I'll listen." Jim answered coldly. His walls were coming up nicely. 

"I don't like gay people. I never have. At first, I thought I could deal with it but I don't think I can. I don't expect you to change nor do I expect me to. But I can't hang around you because you'll kiss or touch and it will make me sick. I don't mind touching you, but not in a sexual way. I just needed to get that cleared up. I went to see a therapist and she suggested I tell you how I feel. So I'm really sorry, Jim, but I can't accept you and your life choices. For this reason, I won't be able to be part of the poker parties or anything else. I don't want you to think I hate you. I don't. I like you, I always have. But I don't like your life choices. I hope this won't be a problem working with me, but if it is, I can transfer you to another department. I know that Solomon in Vice is looking for a good man." Then Simon just stopped and watched Jim. 

Cold, Jim stared and said, "No, I don't need to transfer. I understand how you feel and I'm fine with that. Sandburg wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with us tonight, but I know the answer already. Now I need to go and check some suspects statements out. I'll call Joel and he can pick me up here. Thanks for telling me, Simon." Jim got up and walked outside and called Joel on his cell phone. 

As soon as Simon drove off down the street, Jim was finding it hard to breathe. He didn't know what was wrong with him. When Joel got there Jim was on the curb having a panic attack. 

"Jim, what's going on? Tell me how I can help." 

"I just need to get into the car." Jim stood with help from Joel and Joel started driving. "Can I ask what happened with you and Simon?" 

"No. It's something I can't discuss with anyone. And please don't tell Blair about this. Could we get some work done, because if I don't, I'll feel like screaming." 

"Jim, there's nothing wrong with screaming now and then." Joel said with such kindness that it broke Jim in half. Jim bent over and put his face in his hands and began to cry. Joel pulled into a deserted parking lot and pulled Jim into his arms. 

"Let it out, Jim. It'll feel better if you let it out and tell me what's wrong." 

So Jim told Joel what happened and he felt Joel tense up and pull away from him. Joel pulled out his handkerchief and wiped Jim's face and said, "We're going to deal with this when we get back. Right now, we are going to do some actual work." 

The day flew by and one of the people they only suspected of being a small time perp turned out to be the killer, so they counted this as a great day. Once they got him booked, they went upstairs to Major Crime and Joel said, "Want to come to my office, Jim?" 

"Joel, I had a great day with you. Let's drop it, okay? Thanks for everything." Jim walked to his desk and typed up the report for the arrest they just made. 

When Jim got into the elevator, Joel walked up to Simon's office and knocked. 

"Come on in, Joel." 

"I just wanted to tell you how disappointed I am in you. You took a good man and broke him today. He was in pieces all afternoon. Mind you, he continued to work, he continued to help me do things, but he was broken. He'll never be the same Jim Ellison we all know and love. How dare you do that to him. If you don't like gay people fine, but to treat him with such contempt is unforgivable. I'll never forgive you for it, Simon. I don't know what happened with you, but you've become cold and distant to everyone. I'm truly glad I'm not a close friend of yours because I would hate to have you break my heart like you did his. I have to go now. Goodnight." Joel started out of the room. 

"Hold it. I listened to you, now you listen to me. He's a fag, Joel. We used to make jokes about fags years ago. Don't you remember?" 

"I never did, Simon." 

"Well, then you were the only one that didn't. And he's not only a fag, but he's got too many loose ends around. Oh what a good job, eh? He's got Carolyn, he's got Sandburg and now he has Tate. He's a fucking slut on top of everything else." 

"I have to go or I'll have to hit you." Joel stormed out of the office slamming the door. 

Simon opened up the door and saw Rafe and Brown back and asked, "Want to go for a few drinks with me?" 

"Sure." Rafe said. 

"Sounds good to me." Brown added. 

Simon said, "I'll meet you both in the garage." 

Once Jim was in the garage, he remembered he had no car. He called Blair and heard, "Sandburg." 

"Hey, I haven't got a car." 

"I do." Blair laughed. 

"Can you pick me up then?" Jim sounded serious suddenly. 

"You know it. I'll be there soon. I love you." Blair hung up quickly and was out the door. 

Jim was standing there when Brown and Rafe came up. "Hey, Ellison, did Simon ask you to go with us for a drink?" 

"No, thanks, guys. AA frowns on drinking." Jim smiled at them. 

"Sorry, man." Brown said as he patted Jim's back. "I forgot." 

Simon came walking by and said, "If you're going to ride with me, you better get a move on." 

Jim watched the three men get into the car and kept his stoic appearance up. He was still standing like that when Blair pulled up. 

"Hey, how was your day?" Blair said happily. 

"Joel and I caught us a murderer." Jim said smiling. 

"Way cool." 

"Yeah." 

"I made dinner at my place. Is that all right?" 

"Blair, anything you do is all right with me." He leaned over and kissed him quickly. 

"I like that. Catch another murderer tomorrow, okay?" Blair rubbed Jim's face and felt how cool it was. Blair realized that this was all a façade. Something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong. Jim might be in shock. 

As soon as they got to Blair's apartment, he got him settled in front of the TV and got him a bottle of water. 

"Blair, if I asked you to do something for me, would you?" 

"It would depend, Jim. Are you going to ask me to get you some booze?" 

"Maybe." Jim almost whispered. 

"No. Nada. Never. It's not going to happen. We can deal with any problems, Jim, but we don't drink so that things feel better." Blair seemed angry and this was upsetting Jim, too. 

"Blair, I mess everything up. It won't be long and you'll leave me, just like everyone else." 

"Jim, what the fuck happened today? Talk to me and I mean now." This time Blair was forceful when he spoke. 

"I just had words with Simon is all and it depressed me. It's not a big deal." 

"Well, if you want to drink, it's a big deal Jim." 

"I don't want to drink. I just asked what you thought about it." Jim said coldly. 

"Don't you take that cold fucking attitude with me, Jim Ellison. You talk to me and you talk to me now." 

"Blair, could I lie down for a while before dinner? I promise you, we'll talk later." Jim looked and felt old all of a sudden. 

"Yeah, go and lay down while I finish dinner. Jim, I love you." Blair walked him to his bedroom and Jim lay on the bed with all of his clothing still on. Blair started to undress him and he said, "No, we're going to eat soon. Just leave me like this." 

Blair closed the door and then took his cell phone out to the hallway of the building and dialed Joel's number. "Taggert." 

"Joel, this is Blair." 

"Hi." 

"You worked with Jim today, right?" 

"Yeah, I picked him up at a coffee shop where Simon left him." Joel hoped he didn't ask much more. 

"Joel, he asked how I felt about getting him booze." 

"Shit..." 

"That's putting it mildly. God, what happened to him today? Please tell me. He won't tell me." Blair was pleading by now. 

The door flew open and Jim grabbed the phone and closed it. "Don't check up on me again." And then Jim Ellison took off walking to his loft. About five blocks down the road, Blair pulled up next to him and said, "Get in here now." 

"Fuck you, Sandburg." Then Jim started to run. 

Blair let him go. He figured whatever was going on, he'd come to him sooner or later. 

As Jim ran he realized he felt good. It was good for him to do something else. During the run, Jim had a lot of time to think. What was best for Blair? What was best for himself? Did he really love Blair? God, all of these questions just kept going through his head. He needed some answers and he needed them soon. One thing he really noticed was he no longer wanted to drink. He was going to run every day. He felt great. As the loft got closer, he began to see his life as he would like it to happen. First, he would have Blair move in with him. Second, they would be totally in love. Third, they would be happy. Fourth, their jobs would work out all right. Fifth, Poker nights would resume and they would all feel comfortable. He was almost to the loft and he realized the most important thing was love. He needed Blair to love him as much as he loved Blair. If that worked, everything else would work out. When he finally got to the loft he figured it must have been about 8 miles. When he walked in he went right to the shower and got ready for bed. By then he could breathe again, so he called Blair. 

"Sandburg." 

"I'm so sorry, Blair. I needed to work some things out. The run was fantastic for me." Jim was trying to apologize. 

"I'm glad you're home safe. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Blair said and hung up the phone. 

Jim knew right then he blew it. He fucking blew it. He got his socks and shoes on and drove over to Blair's place. When Blair opened the door, he was crying. Jim took him into his arms and said, "I'm so sorry, baby. I love you so much. I really am sorry. I'll tell you whatever you want. Just don't leave me." 

"You are going to spend the night because I need you to hold me all night long." Blair was pushing him towards the bedroom. 

"I'm here for however long you need me, baby." 

They both got naked and crawled into bed. It wasn't sexual, it was more of a healing type holding and kissing. "Jim, I want you to tell me what happened today that freaked you out so bad. I need to be here for you." 

"You are, Blair. You always are." So Jim went on and told him about the conversation he had with Simon. He told him the whole thing, not leaving anything out and how he had remained strong the whole time because he didn't want Simon to see him cry. Then he mentioned about how Simon asked the others out, but not him. Even if it was to a bar, it still hurt. The whole time that Jim was telling him this; Blair was sobbing his heart out. He just kept getting closer and closer to Jim. 

"It's all right, Chief. I'm better now. I really am. I don't want you to be sad, okay?" Jim asked almost timidly. 

Blair looked at Jim's face and kissed him as he said, "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I'll never leave you. Ever. But you have to let me in, Jim. Simon shouldn't have been allowed to hurt you like that. He hurt you. He broke your heart. I can hear it in your voice. Then for him to ask everyone out but you; that was way past mean and cruel. He's a fucking prick." 

"Why are you crying so hard, Blair?" 

"Because he hurt you. God, how could he say those things to the most wonderful man I've ever met? It's not right. It's not fair." 

Jim was trying to stay calm and strong, but was finding it a losing battle with Blair crying so much. 

"How do you feel about it, Jim?" 

And just like that, that dam broke and Jim Ellison fell apart, but thankfully, Blair Sandburg was there to catch him. "Blair, I love him and he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. God, I don't know what to do." 

"We'll work on it and see what happens. I love you, Jim." 

"I love you, Blair." 

Both men knew they had a lot of things to take care of. Blair had to be sure that his new job didn't take center stage because Jim needed him too much now. 

Jim knew that he would constantly have to battle the booze; thankfully, he had Joel to help with that. The rest he would have to work out for himself. As for Blair, he loved that man more than anything. 

"Chief, could we sleep at the loft tonight? My bed's bigger." Jim asked 

"Let me get some things together. Sounds good to me." Blair got his things and they were both on their way. 

Once they got to the loft, Jim couldn't wait to cuddle with Blair. That was his favorite part. 

And he also wondered if it was time to tell Blair about his dreams of the wolf and Jaguar. It was always the four of them. A nice peaceful dream. Jim liked it a lot. He would be sure and tell him about it in the morning. 

At the bar, Simon sat there getting drunk with Brown and Rafe. "You two had better watch what you do and say with Ellison." 

"What do you mean, Simon?" Rafe asked. 

"Well, everyone basically knows he's a fag so you might be labeled one, too." Simon was angry but Henry didn't know why. 

"I don't believe that, Simon. I won't let someone else tell me who to be friends with." Brown stood his ground. 

"That's fine, be your own man, but they'll think you're a fag, too." Simon spat out. 

"Henry, maybe we should think this over. We don't need any trouble at the station." Rafe said in a whisper. 

"Rafe, are you a bigot, too?" Brown hollered. 

"Keep your voice down, Brown." Simon ordered. 

"You can't boss me around here. I'm off duty. I can say whatever I want." Brown stood up to take his leave. "My mama raised me to be a good, god fearing boy. Loving everyone includes gay people." Brown walked out the door to flag down a cab. 

"He's young, he doesn't understand yet." Simon explained to Rafe. 

"I'm going to give it some thought, Simon. Thanks for pointing this out to me." Rafe stood to leave. 

"Stay and have a few more." Simon called out to Rafe. 

"Gotta get home, boss." Rafe said as he left. 

Rafe also flagged a cab down and drove around most of the evening and couldn't seem to get his thoughts straight. No wonder Jim had looked so odd in the garage that evening. He hadn't been invited. Simon dropped his best friend, just like that. Rafe ended up at Brown's apartment and knocked on the door. 

"What do you want?" Brown snarled. 

"Henry, I agree with you. Do you realize how bad Jim must have felt when we went out with Simon tonight? Simon didn't ask him." Rafe looked heartbroken. 

"So you don't mind that he's gay?" Brown asked. 

"Well, I might, but I'll get used to it. And I really like Dr. Sandburg, so that helps." 

"Should we tell Jim what was said tonight or just blow it off?" Henry questioned. 

"I think we should take Jim to lunch tomorrow and tell him we love him and support him. It's only right. He must be hurting big time." Rafe said looking out the window. 

"Why don't we go now?" Brown wondered aloud. 

"Hell, they're sleeping I'm sure." Rafe argued. 

"I'm going." Brown stood up to leave. 

"I'll go with you." Rafe followed. 

"Our cars are both at the station. You want to ride in another cab?" Rafe asked. 

"Shit, I forgot again. We'll take another cab and then never let someone else drive us again." Brown smiled as they waited for the cab. The cab drive over was uneventful and before they knew it, they were at Jim's loft. 

When they were in the hall, they both stood outside his door and Rafe whispered, "Maybe we should wait till tomorrow." 

"I want to talk to him tonight." Brown answered. 

Rafe stared at him and finally said, "So knock." 

"You knock." Brown replied. 

The door opened and a half dressed Jim Ellison looked at them and said, "Either of you knock, but get the hell in here." They looked at Jim's face and saw he was smiling. They also saw that his eyes were swollen, like he'd been crying and that made them feel like shit. 

"What are you guys doing here at this time of the morning?" Jim asked. 

 

"Well, we just came to tell you that we love you and we think what Simon did was shitty. We're sorry about tonight." Rafe said quickly. 

"Rafe, you're allowed to go out whenever you want and with whomever you want. I have no say in that. It's all right. Really." Jim stared at Rafe and smiled into his face. "But thank you for the support. I want you to stay friends with Simon." 

"Jim, I can't stay friends with him. He's a friggin' bigot and my mama would have a fit." Brown said with much passion. 

"Henry, I want you two to have lives that remain unmarred by this. So promise me you will stay friends with Simon. Don't worry about me. I'll be all right." Jim was speaking so quietly that neither man could hear him well. 

"You're so full of shit, Ellison. I hate when you do this. You're eyes are swollen from crying and you're telling us you're okay? I don't think so." Rafe was hollering and now Blair was wide awake. 

Jim started pacing and said, "I didn't say it didn't hurt. I said I want you both to be untouched from this. Please do that for me." 

"No." Brown walked over to Jim and hugged him and said softly, "Jim, we love you. We'll be here for you no matter what." 

Jim put his arms around Brown and just held on. He'd been trying to be so strong that he didn't even realize how much he needed these two men in his life. "I love you both. Thank you for seeing this through." 

Rafe walked over and gave Jim and good manly hug, not too long and not too snug. Jim almost laughed. "So Jim, when is Sandburg going to move in?" 

"This weekend. How did you know that?" Jim thought he kept it quite private. 

"Because I know he's here and if he is, he probably wants to stay more than just the night." Rafe answered. 

Blair walked down the stairs, dressed and answered, "Yeah, I can't stay away from him for long." 

"Sorry about waking you." Jim kissed him and Rafe found out that it didn't bother him at all. It was just Jim and Blair. 

"So you two figured out that Simon dissed Jim, right? And you stayed on Jim's side? That's fantastic." Blair was almost bouncing. 

"Blair, I wanted them to stay neutral. I thought that would work best." Jim explained. 

"He's such a moron sometimes." Blair said to Brown and Rafe, making them laugh like mad. 

"Chief, you called me a moron." Jim's face looked so hurt. 

"Babe, I was joking. They knew it. That's why they're, like, laughing." 

"Jim, we'll still treat Simon fine in the bullpen but we're not hanging with him." Brown was stating a fact. 

"Thanks, guys. I don't think its right, but thank you anyhow." Jim hugged both men and sent them on their way. 

Blair called out the door, "Henry and Rafe, do you want to have lunch tomorrow?" 

"You buying?" Rafe asked. 

"Jim is." Blair laughed at his dirty look. "Yes, I'm buying." 

"Sure, that would be cool. Noon good for you?" Brown asked. 

"Noon's fine." Blair shut the door and headed up the stairs with his love. "I hate to say I told you so but I knew the boys wouldn't let you down." 

"No, you didn't." Jim disputed. 

"I know... but I hoped." Blair reflected on that. 

"Night, Chief. I love you." 

"Night, big man. I love you back." Blair went into Jim's arms and they were asleep like magic. 

The next day at the bullpen, while Rafe and Brown were at lunch with Blair, Jim was holding down the fort. Carolyn walked into the room and said, "Hey, Jimmy. How are you doing?" 

"Good. How are you and Docky, Carolyn?" 

"We're both good. I'm here to see Simon. Is he busy?" 

Jim picked up his phone and buzzed Simon. Simon appeared in the doorway and said, "Carolyn, come right in." 

Simon closed the blinds in his office and Jim thought it odd but refused to listen. An hour later, Carolyn came out and Jim knew what they were doing. He couldn't believe that his ex-wife and ex-friend were stooping that low. Simon was fucking Carolyn. At the office. Where everyone knew. 

Carolyn walked to the elevator and called out, "See you tomorrow, Simon." 

"I don't know why you ever let that woman go, Jim." Simon walked back into his office and shut the door. 

Jim's mouth was still hanging open and he didn't know what to think about it. 

Jim knocked on Simon's door and when Simon said, "Come." He walked in. 

"What the fuck is going on, Simon? You're mad at me and the choices I've made so you fuck Carolyn?" Jim was livid. 

"Shouldn't matter to you, right?" 

"It does. She's my ex-wife; I thought we were friends." Jim was devastated. 

"The reason you're so upset is because I'm fucking her and you aren't. You know damn well you'd love to be fucking her. I see the way you look at her. You might think you have it made with Sandburg but you still want women. Is he going to allow that?" 

"I don't want to fuck her. I did at first because she left me. There was something about fucking her and maybe making her come back that appealed to me. Not any longer. I love Sandburg and we're happy. I'm just in shock that you're fucking her. So you're going to give her the child?" 

"What are you talking about, Ellison?" Now Simon was listening. 

"She only wanted to fuck me because she wants a child and her hubby shoots blanks. How many times have you fucked her, Simon?" Jim was taunting him now. 

"About seven times in the last week. She never said anything about a baby." Simon seemed to be getting nervous now. 

"I'm telling you that's what she wants. And there will be a little part of you walking around Cascade that you won't even know." Jim stormed out of Simon's office and slammed the door. 

Jim went back to talk to Blair but he was still gone. Then he went back and finished up all of his paperwork, which was a first, and waited to talk to Blair, even if it was on the telephone. He looked up and Simon was standing there. "What?" Jim growled. 

"She said she had a doctor's appointment and was going there. What is her doctor's name and address?" Simon was frantic now. 

"I have no idea. Tough stuff, Simon." Jim walked away from him and went back to give a copy of that murder investigation to Joel. Simon followed him. 

"Ellison, she'll tarnish my name." 

Jim laughed, which sounded like a bark, and walked into Joel's office. "Hey, Joel, here are those papers you wanted." 

"Problems, Simon?" Joel wondered why he was following Jim. 

"No. No problems at all." Simon walked away. 

Joel shut his door and asked Jim, "What the fuck did I miss?" 

So Jim filled Joel in on everything. How he had been excluded last night and how he had tried to talk the gang into staying away from him and ended with the whole story about Carolyn and Simon fucking in his office. 

"I can't fucking believe this." Joel shook his head in surprise. 

"It's not a big thing, Joel." Jim sat down after getting himself a cup of coffee. 

"Comfortable, Jim?" Joel laughed. 

"Sorry, Joel. Sometimes I get too comfortable with you. I don't mean to take advantage of you." Jim gave Joel a smile. It worked. 

"Not to worry. But I do have something to tell you. Tate Moorely's coming back and all charges were dropped. Simon saw to it. I just wanted to warn you. I think you should watch Blair. I would hate to kill that man if he hurt Blair. Oh, who am I kidding? I would love to kill him if he did anything." Joel was ranting. 

"I can't believe that Simon did that. He's such a fucker." 

"Do you want to bring up any type of charges against Simon?" Joel needed to ask. 

"No, I want this to go away. I hate him." Jim stood up and opened the door. "Bye, Joel. Talk to you later. You're a good friend." 

Joel felt like going after Jim and slapping some sense into him but that wouldn't help things at all. He knew that he would be there for Jim when he needed him. Unlike his fair weather friend. 

Everyone was busy in the bullpen and Simon came out and said, "I have an announcement to make. We've got a new member of our team. We've been short handed for some time, so everyone welcome Detective Tate Moorely." 

No one said a word and no one welcomed him. Simon growled, "He will be treated fairly or I'll bring charges against anyone that undermines my authority." 

Simon showed Tate to his desk, right across from Jim's desk, and the new man sat down. He was surprised that Jim had taken in that many people that soon. 

Jim walked over to his desk and said, "Well, shit! Why didn't you tell me about this? I put in for a transfer to Homicide." Then he acted upset and walked away. He went into the elevator and went up to Homicide. 

Once he was up there he walked around and visited with everyone. He really had nothing to do up there but needed to kill some time. Captain Frank called Jim into his office and gave him a run-down of what life would be like if he worked in Homicide, so Jim sat patiently and listened. 

Brown and Rafe overheard him and almost laughed. Rafe got up and almost ran back to tell Joel about the new addition to the team. 

Joel came out and shook Tate's hand and said, "Welcome aboard." Then whispering he said, "I want you to know that I'm old, I don't mind going to prison for the rest of my life. If anything happens to Ellison or Sandburg, you're toast. I'm not talking charges, I'm talking death. Remember that." Then Joel patted the shocked man on the back and said, "Maybe we should all go out for lunch today." 

"Thanks, but I have plans. Maybe some other time." Tate said, eyeing Joel to see if he was serious. 

Joel leaned in and whispered again, "I'm totally fucking serious, you prick. Mess with them and I'll see you never breathe again." Joel walked away very casually and Tate couldn't get to Simon's door fast enough. 

"Come in." Simon yelled. 

"Sir, Joel Taggert just threatened me with death." Tate was still breathing hard. 

"Joel Taggert? He's a teddy bear. He must have been kidding you." Simon almost laughed. 

"Sir, he did it twice." Tate was standing his ground. 

"Well, maybe we've got something here. Let me get you wired and we'll get this all set up so we can hear what Taggert has to say." 

So they got him wired downstairs in Vice and then gave the recorder and tapes to Simon. They also would be listening in, too. They were all in shock about Joel Taggert. 

While Simon and Tate were gone Joel called Brown and Rafe into his office. "Guys, I threatened Moorely with death, so I think Simon took him down to get a wire put on him. Now if I yell for you, you have to come running into my office. Okay? You don't have to say anything. Just come in. Got it?" 

"Got it." both men replied as they walked back to the bullpen. "He has no idea what he's up against. I think Joel's going to screw him and not in a fun way." Rafe was laughing his head off. 

"Good, it's about time." Brown said sitting down. Tate walked through and headed back to Joel's office. Sure enough, Simon was sitting at his desk with a small ear piece. "What a sleaze." Brown complained. 

About 20 minutes into the conversation Simon seemed to be getting upset and Brown heard Joel yell for help. Brown and Rafe went running down the hallway. Rafe opened the door to a half naked Taggert lying across his desk with Tate lying on top of him. 

"He's trying to rape me, guys." Joel sounded very upset. Brown and Rafe were wondering if he was in a drama club. 

Rafe grabbed him and put cuffs on him and Brown started taking their statements. Simon came through the door and said, "What the fuck?" 

"Simon, he tried to rape me." Joel looked to be on the verge of tears. 

"I'm sorry, Joel. I never dreamed he would do something like this." Simon helped get Joel's clothes back on and sat him down to finish his statement. 

Tate kept looking over at Joel and knew he had lost. Simon said, "Want to press charges?" 

Brown jumped up and said, "Of course he wants to press charges. He fucking tried to rape him." Now Rafe was thinking Brown went to the same drama club. 

"Simon, I would be all right if I knew he wasn't in this building." Then he took a Kleenex, blew his nose and wiped his eyes. 

Rafe was now getting into it. "It's going to be all right, Joel. We'll stay with you all day long if we have to." 

"That's a good idea. You and Brown take him home and stay with him for a while. I'm going to get Moorely transferred out of here." Simon grabbed the cuffed Moorely and dragged him to his office. 

"Sir, it was all a joke. He did it all. He had a hold of me the whole time. Don't you have anything on the tape?" Tate asked hopefully. 

"Yes, we have a lot of tape, but it sounds like you're hurting him and ripping his clothing off. So I wouldn't suggest having anyone listen to it anytime soon." Simon was so pissed off. 

Four men walked up to the door of Simon's office and said, "Simon Banks?" 

"Yes." 

"We're from IA, my name is Willis and we're here to tell you that you will be investigated for some improper actions in the last five months. You will be suspended until further notice. Captain Joel Taggert will be taking your place. He's downstairs. He told us what happened today and we won't tolerate any of this." 

"Wait a minute. I don't have to like someone if they're gay. You can't make me. That's the only thing I've done." Simon was trying to explain as they were dragging him out of his office. 

"Sir, you did much more than that. We even have testimony from a doctor, so it's as simple as that for us. We'll be doing all of the leg work and get back to you within a month. Stay away from the bullpen and James Ellison." Willis added. 

"My name is Davidson and I'm going to take care of you, Moorely. Vice has already given us the tape. You'll be fired." Davidson took hold of Tate's cuffed hands and led him off. 

Jim walked off of the elevator and saw them dragging Moorely away. "Jim, you can't let them do this. You know you still love me." Jim burst out laughing and so did the other officers. Then he sat and waited patiently for everyone else to get there. 

When Brown, Rafe, and Joel came back up the bullpen was in shock. Erickson walked up and said, "Do you believe that stuff about Captain Banks? I believe it about that Moorely guy, but Banks?" 

"We really shouldn't talk about it, should we?" Joel said as he walked into his new office. 

Jim followed him in and listened to be sure there were no listening devices going. It was clean so they all sat down with Joel and smiled. 

"So Captain, what's up first?" Jim asked. 

"I want you to get back to work. You haven't done a damn thing all day long." Then Joel laughed his head off. "Seriously, let's just do what we always do; our jobs." 

So they all went back and did just that. They didn't know what was in store for them, so they'd have to just follow Joel's lead. 

Jim was filling Blair in while walking that night and Blair kept laughing his head off. 

"It's really not funny, Chief. Joel could go down for this and it's all because of me." 

"Oh shut up. It isn't. That Tate guy bugged him so he bugged back." Blair pulled Jim down for a kiss. 

"I wonder what's going to happen?" Jim seemed concerned. 

"You're worried about Simon?" 

"Yeah, he's a good friend, even if he doesn't want to be mine anymore." 

"Then talk to Joel and see what you two can do to help." Blair smiled up at Jim and knew that was the right thing to say. 

When they got home Joel was there. "Hey, Jim can you come with me to the station?" 

"Sure. What's wrong?" He leaned in to kiss Blair goodbye. 

"We've got a meeting with Simon. He wants to talk about an arrangement so he can come back. I just want to warn you that IA is involved." Joel said softly. 

"I would like to come if that's all right." Blair was set to go. 

"I don't see why not." Joel said and they all drove to the precinct. 

The three of them walked into the bullpen and saw about 20 men sitting around. "What's going on?" Joel asked. 

"We want to get this finished with tonight. Detective Ellison, I'm Detective Willis and I'd like to question you now." 

"Sure, that's fine. Where do you want me?" Blair followed him into an interrogation room. 

Joel had a feeling this wasn't going to be what he thought and Joel wasn't going to let Jim get in any trouble. 

"So, Detective Ellison, would you fill us in on what happened around here?" Willis began. 

So for the next two hours, Jim told him everything. He didn't lie about a thing. Then he added how much he liked Simon. He understood why he didn't like him anymore but he was a good man. Willis looked at him like he was nuts. He had just heard two hours of bullshit this poor man had gone through because Banks didn't like gays. And yet, this man still stood behind him. Willis hated Banks even more now. 

"Ellison, hang here for a little while I talk to Banks." 

Simon was in the next room and he had been listening to everything that Jim had said. 

"Got anything to say for yourself, Banks?" Willis said as he walked through the door. 

"I'm an asshole but I'm a good Captain. I wouldn't hurt Jim on purpose for anything." 

"You don't call bringing in a man that caused trouble with Ellison, and putting him at the desk next to Ellison, hurting him?" Willis was sounding colder as they talked. 

"I didn't do that by the book. I was angry with him and I let my head rule instead of my brain. No, that came out wrong." Simon said trying to backtrack. 

"Not a problem. I'll tell you what I see here. I see Ellison saying he can still work with you. I see Ellison saying you're a good man. I see Ellison trying to keep your job for you. But what I don't see is you staying here. You'll be transferred up to Vice. We need a Captain there and you should fit in." Willis walked towards the door. 

"So no charges?" Simon asked. 

"No, thanks to Ellison. He's a good man, Banks. It's too bad that you tried to ruin him. I would love to have him work in our division but I know how much he hates us." Willis walked out the door. "Oh Banks, get your stuff from the office tonight. It's Joel Taggert's as of tomorrow morning." 

Jim sat in the other room and listened to the IA officer and was impressed that he could see through everyone and yet, he still liked Jim. Willis walked in and said, "Okay, I saved his job. He's going to be in Vice now but it's still a job. Tate is long gone and has a restraining order out on him. So I don't think he'll come around for a long time. I think you're set, Ellison. Have a good life. I think you're due." Willis looked over and saw a misty eyed Ellison sitting there. "Does it shock you that I have feelings?" 

"No. It shocks me that you have feelings about me. I've been a little down on myself lately. Thank you for everything." Jim shook his hand. 

"Goodnight, Ellison." Willis left the room and Jim smiled for the first time since they got there. 

Willis walked out and informed Taggert that he would begin full duty tomorrow morning and they watched as Simon cleaned out his office. 

Jim didn't come out of the interrogation room and Blair said, "Where's Jim?" 

"He probably can't watch Simon clean out his office, Blair." Joel put his arm around Blair and walked back to the room and sure enough Jim was sitting in a chair not watching anyone, really. 

"Hey, Jim?" 

"Yeah, Chief?" 

"Can you see through the two way mirror/glass?" asked Blair, always the scientist. 

"Yes and no. I can see, but it's warped. I couldn't tell that was you and Joel coming this way, other than your heartbeats, but I could tell someone was coming." Jim answered. 

"That's so cool, Jim. We have to really start getting busy doing all sorts of tests." 

"Ellison, he's going to have you look through those shuttered doors at department stores to see what you see when someone goes in to try something on." Joel and Jim both laughed. 

"I would never use my work for something like that... unless Jim really wanted to do it." All three of the men laughed and felt good because it was a fucking sad night so they decided that laughing wasn't bad. 

That night when they got home, Jim made such sweet love to Blair, that Blair woke him up two hours later to have a repeat. Jim loved being with a sex fiend. 

The following morning, Jim was getting ready to go out on a few calls when Carolyn walked through and said, "Hi, Jimmy." 

"Hey, Carolyn. What's new?" Jim was Joe Cool. 

"Well, Simon and I are going to have a baby. Isn't that wonderful?" Carolyn waited for him to be crazed. 

"Congratulations, Carolyn. What wonderful news. Does Simon know yet?" 

"No, that's why I'm here." She headed to Joel's office and Jim said, "Carolyn, you might find him down on fifth now." 

"What do you mean? That's Vice." Good ole Carolyn, you couldn't fool her. 

"He's the captain of Vice now." Jim smiled as if it was a big promotion. 

"You're not joking, are you?" 

"No, I'm not joking. Go tell him the good news. I'm sure he'll be thrilled. How did Docky take it?" Jim asked nicely. 

"He left me. He was fine until he heard that Simon was black. He said he wasn't raising any n..." 

"Carolyn, I really don't want that said here." 

"At any rate I was hoping that you and I might try and work things out, Jimmy." 

"You must be joking?" Jim would laugh except it was too bizarre. His ex-wife was dumped by Dorky, is pregnant by Simon and wants to get back with him. What was wrong with this picture? 

"Honey, now that you're not drinking, I find you so much more attractive and you have the best cock I've ever seen in my life. Let's go somewhere and talk about it." Carolyn looked like she was going to push him but Jim stopped her. 

"First of all, I'm glad you're not with Dorky. You deserved better than him. Second, it was awful using my boss for sex and not telling him about a baby. He had no idea you wanted one. It's not right, Carolyn. And last, but not least, I love someone else and we live together. I think he might notice." Jim finished and sat back down. 

"Jimmy, you're going to dump me for him?" 

"Carolyn, there is no us to dump. You've been gone for a long, long time." Jim wasn't falling for the tears she had falling down her face. He would have six months ago, but he was stronger now. God, he loved Blair. 

"But, Jimmy, I'm pregnant." Carolyn continued to cry harder. 

"It's not mine, Carolyn." Jim didn't baby her at all. "Go talk to Simon. Maybe he'll marry you and be a decent father. He was a decent dad to Daryl." 

"I didn't want to marry Simon. I wanted to marry you. Jimmy, please think about it?" 

"No, that's the last word on it. Good luck, Carolyn." 

Carolyn wiped her eyes and pulled herself together and walked to the elevator. 

"Good job, Jim." Rafe said patting him on the back. 

"Holy shit! I can't believe the Peyton Place thingy going on around here." Brown said almost laughing. 

"Tell me about it. My ex-wife was starring." Jim walked over to Joel's office and knocked. 

"Come on in, Jim." 

Jim filled him in on what had just happened and Jim could tell Joel was trying very hard not to laugh. "Do you mind if I run over and see if Blair is free?" 

"You mean he's been charging you?" Joel teased. 

"He should. He's that damn good." Jim laughed all the way out of the office as Joel said, "Hey, I didn't say you could go yet." 

Jim walked back in and said, "Okay." 

"What do you need, Jim?" Joel asked seriously. 

"You nut job. Can I go see him or not?" This time Jim was really laughing. 

"Go, have fun. Oh, not too much fun. We're at work." Joel reminded him. "You remember work, right? The thing that the rest of us are all doing?" 

Brown and Rafe laughed as Jim walked off. 

Jim opened up the office door and said, "Hey, gorgeous. How goes it?" 

Sheryl smiled and said, "Its better now. I love looking at you. Come here." Jim walked up to her desk and she held his face and looked it over. "You look better today. Good. Now what do you need?" 

"Is Blair with a patient?" 

"No, he's doing filing he said. That's what he says when he wants to play a video game." She led him down the hall and opened the door and sure enough Blair was playing a video game. 

"Excuse me, doesn't anyone knock?" Blair stood up, irritated. 

"I already told him you were playing a video game. It's not like it was a news flash." Sheryl walked out and shut the door behind her. 

"Hey, what's up?" Blair asked. Jim had never been in his office before and for some reason it made him nervous. 

Jim filled him in on everything that went down in the bullpen. "I always miss the good shit." Blair cried out. "Oh sorry, Jim. I know how heartbreaking this must be for you." 

"Oh shut up. I'm not heartbroken at all, but I do feel the urge to kiss you silly." Jim walked over and began to kiss him. 

Blair pulled back and said, "I'm feeling giddy." 

Jim laughed and said, "That's not silly." 

They kissed a while longer and Blair pulled back and said, "Oh my, I'm feeling joyful." 

"Not silly." And Jim began to kiss him again. Both of them were getting hot and bothered. 

Again, Blair pulled away and said, "How about fucking cheery?" 

"No, that won't do." 

Jim reached down and started to rub Blair's cock. Blair was moaning into Jim's mouth. "I'm feeling fucking silly." 

"Good. Now my job is done. I love you. I'll cook dinner tonight." Jim started for the door. 

"Jim, you're going to leave me in this condition?" Blair pointed down to his hard on. 

Jim reached over and locked Blair's door and then gave Blair one of the best blow jobs that he had ever gotten. Jim was hard as a rock, but didn't want to do anything now. He would show Blair later. "Thank you, Jim." 

"You are very welcome, Blair. I love you." 

"I love you back. Did Sheryl ask you about moving into the office at the loft?" 

Jim stopped and turned around. "What?" 

"She lost her apartment and doesn't have anywhere to go. She doesn't know what to do." Blair sounded scared to even tell Jim about this. 

"Stop. Don't worry. We'll take care of her. She's always welcome with us. Bring her home tonight. And then we'll start looking for a place soon. Real soon." Smiling he walked down the hallway. He stopped at Sheryl's desk and leaned down and said, "Hey, roomie." 

"You really don't mind?" She sounded scared, too. 

"No, I don't mind. I think it's great that you don't mind staying with us." Jim smiled and then walked back to the bullpen. 

He looked around and realized that for once he felt good. He had Blair, he stopped drinking, he had a new captain and friend, he'd found out he had friends he didn't know he had and life was going pretty damn fine. And he was not going to think about how much he loved fucking Blair. No way. He'd be hard all day long. Damn! Too late. 

Jim knew that his life was going to go smoothly. He just knew it. He also knew that he was going to fuck Blair Sandburg into tomorrow for smelling and tasting so good. 

"Hey, Jim, you look really happy." Rafe said as he stood in front of Jim's desk. 

"That's because I am, Rafe." 

And he was. There was no longer a need to drown his sorrows. He once was lost, but now is found. 

Epilogue 

When the guys got home that night, Sheryl was waiting to get into her room. "Sorry we're late." Blair had forgotten all about her. 

"It's not a biggy. My poor old 50 year old legs could hardly hold me up, but somehow I managed." she teased. 

"Sheryl, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're in better shape than most 30 year olds. So I don't believe you for a moment." Jim teased back. 

Jim and Blair got the room set up and then they all sat in the living room and talked. Jim told her what happened at the station and she was sad for him. She knew that he was trying to be so brave, but you can't always be. 

"I'll make breakfast in the morning. Deal?" Sheryl was going to carry her own weight. 

"Fine by me. I hate making breakfast." Jim called out as he headed upstairs for bed. 

"Oh... like you make breakfast." Blair laughed all the way upstairs. "Night, Sheryl. We'll see you in the morning." 

"Night, boys. Be good." She smiled all the way into her room. 

True to her word, Sheryl had a great breakfast sitting on the table. While eating, Jim cocked his head to one side and said, "Joel's here." 

"Man, that is like so cool." Blair jumped up to answer before Joel knocked. 

"Jim, how do you do that?" Sheryl asked. 

"We'll tell you all about it today." Jim assured her. 

Joel wasn't even out of the elevator yet. Blair was impressed. 

"Good Morning, Joel." Blair greeted the man as he got off the lift. 

"Well, good morning to you, too. He could hear me in the elevator?" 

"Yup." Blair was so proud. 

Jim yanked the door open and said, "Come on in, Joel. You don't have to stand in the hallway. We'd like you to meet Sheryl." 

"I know Sheryl from the office, Jim. I went over a few times and took her coffee." Joel smiled at her and she smiled back. 

Jim and Blair almost laughed at the sparks that were flying through the room. Maybe Joel would find someone after all. 

He sat down with them to have a cup of coffee, but Jim knew that there was something going on. "What's wrong, Joel?" 

"I wanted to let you know that today will be my last day at Major Crime. I'm resigning." Joel looked very sad. 

"Why? What's going on?" Blair didn't even try and hide how angry he was. 

"Simon has been reinstated and is coming back today. He went to the Police Commissioner to tell him about how he was trying to rid Major Crime of a terrible scandal and the Commissioner took it from there. The Commissioner called IA and told them that everything would be dropped and that was it. I won't work in the same place that he does and you know he'll be after me from this day forward. So I'm leaving. I just wanted to tell you so you didn't wonder what happened to me." 

"Where are you going from here?" Jim wondered if he had made any plans. 

"I was thinking of opening my own security consulting company but I checked into some things and I can't do it alone." Joel looked over at Jim and saw a smile on his face. 

"It just so happens that I have a four story building and I would love to have my own business. We could bring Blair in for what he does best. What do you think, Chief? And we could rent out the floor that we don't use." Jim was excited now. 

"I think I better get busy and ask Sheryl if she'll write the resignation papers for all of us. We'll all leave today. In fact, call Henry and Brian and ask them if they want in. If so, they need to get over here soon. How about it, Sheryl?" Blair was best when he was in command. 

"You know you can count me in." Sheryl replied. 

Jim was getting hard from listening to his man boss he, Sheryl and Joel around. Then he remembered they had a job to do and there was no time for sex. Now if his dick would remember, he'd have it made. 

About thirty minutes later Brown and Rafe walked through the door with all of their paperwork. 

Sheryl got busy and in no time, had everyone's done. They all left for work at the same time. 

"Jim, this is going to blow Simon away. It's way cool." Blair smiled at Jim. 

"Chief, I don't want it to be way cool. I wanted things to be like they were but they never will. So, instead, we'll do our own thing where we won't judge our fellow man." Jim smiled back at him. "Did that sound as stupid as I think it did?" 

"Not at all. We're good people, big man." Blair smiled at him and it seemed to calm the bigger man down. 

Everyone went in, one at a time and gave their resignation to Simon. He was fuming. "What do you all think? That this is going to hurt me? There are tons of cops dying to get up here. Now they'll have their chance. Get the fuck out of my bullpen." 

"With pleasure." Jim got his things and was ready to go. 

"I can't wait." Brown also had his box and was waiting at the elevator. 

"You're such a fucking asshole and I can't believe I was your friend." Rafe stormed off to wait by the elevator. 

"Oh Ellison, did you hear that Carolyn and I are getting married. She wanted a real man. She mentioned something about how nice it was having a man in bed that could actually make love to her." Simon spat out. 

Joel held Jim back and said, "Don't stoop to his level, Jim." 

"Thanks, Joel." Jim waited by the elevator. 

Joel walked up to him and said, "We had a lot of good years, Simon, but I always knew you were a bigot. It wasn't just gays, either. It's too bad." Joel readjusted his box to leave. 

"Did you tell Sandburg and Ellison that you were in on a gay hate game?" Simon spat out. 

"No, but I will. I can only hope to god they'll forgive me for being a stupid first year cadet but you went on to do it for years. I didn't. I got over that hate, Simon." Joel walked sadly to the lift. 

Blair came walking through and said, "Nice working with you. Not." 

Everyone at the elevator began to laugh and Simon said, "It wasn't enough being a Jew? You needed to be a Jew fag on top of it?" 

Jim came towards him and wanted to kill Simon but Blair stopped him. "He's doing that to provoke you, man. Let's go. The smell is getting to be too much for me." 

"Me, too, Chief." Jim said as he picked up his box and they all walked into the elevator and they watched as Blair fingered their former boss. 

You could hear the laughter all the way down to the garage. Everyone loaded up and Jim gave them the address of his building. 

When they pulled up, Blair was shocked. He was expecting some run down place. No way. This was a super nice place and great neighborhood. "Jim, where did you get this?" 

"I had quite a bit of money when I got back from Peru, so I had to investe some of it in stocks and bonds and the rest I bought property with. I own 852 Prospect. I have a company run it but it's mine. All of those lofts are mine. Then I bought this one in case I ever went into my own business. You're going to love it." Jim smiled over at his love. 

"Wow. Well, will I get my own office?" Brown asked. 

"Are you teasing? There is enough room for us all to have two offices each." Jim teased. 

"So let's get up there and see this place." Blair was out of the truck and looking at the beautiful building. He loved it and knew that this was a good move. 

"We can all buy SUVs for our personal and business use. Tax deductible." Jim said smiling. He had wanted a new one for ages. 

In the next four weeks, all of the men got things situated in the offices. Sheryl wanted to be on the first floor, so she and Blair had the entire first floor. Second floor went to Joel and Jim and third was for Henry and Rafe. It looked very good when it was all furnished and they had their flyers ready to go out. They were going to have two types of business. Rafe and Brown were in charge of installing the new Security System's in homes, while Joel and Jim were in charge of consulting to large companies. Their first major client was one of the largest banks in Cascade. 

Sheryl walked up to Jim and said, "How does this look for the wording for the flyer?" 

Bad Boy Security Systems

Included with your FREE system:  
One 24 Zone Panel   
Talking Keypad  
One Inside Siren   
One Battery Back-up  
Three Door Contacts   
Complete Pro Installation  
Window Stickers/Lawn Sign

Bad Boys offers you and your family: 

Intrusion Protection   
Burglary Protection   
Fire Protection   
Carbon Monoxide Protection   
Protection While You Are Away

Call Bad Boys at 555-6785 and we'll schedule you as soon as possible 

Jim smiled while he read. "Looks good to me. That's what they want to stay with, eh?" 

"Well, look at them, Jim. They look like Bad Boys. What did you decide on for you and Joel's?" 

"We decided on Guide Sentry Security. Thought that Sentinel was a little over the top." 

"Oh Jim, that's perfect! Blair decided to call himself Doctor Blair Sandburg." Sheryl watched Jim's face and was tickled when she got the laugh. 

"Do you realize that we're almost set to go?" Jim sounded nervous. 

The phone rang and Sheryl looked to see which line it was. It was Jim's. She picked it up and said, "Guide Sentry Security, Mr. Ellison's office, may I help you?" 

"Yes, you can. I'm William Ellison and I wish to make an appointment to talk to Jim about some new security in my company." William sounded happy. 

"Could you hold please while I get to my desk with his calendar?" 

"Don't mind holding at all." 

Sheryl went downstairs and looked at Jim's calendar that was totally empty and picked the phone up. "Mr. Ellison, when would be good for you. He's just starting the business and he has a lot of openings." 

"Tomorrow at 2:00?" William asked. 

"I've just written you in. Sir, maybe you could spread the word about home security? Jim's office is on the second floor of the building." Sheryl was really good at fast talk. 

"I certainly will and expect some more appointments for Jim soon. I've talked to some of my friends but don't tell him I sent them." 

"I won't say a word, sir." Sheryl smiled. Things might just work out. 

For the rest of the day, she made appointments all day long for Jim, Joel, Rafe, Brown and Doctor Sandburg. The month was almost filled up. There was a conference room down on the main floor and Sheryl told everyone to meet her there. She handed over the copies of the computer discs with their monthly itinerary. Then she gave them all copies of the schedules to keep on their desks and they were not only excited but thrilled. 

"All right, everyone, I'll show you how to get to your monthly calendars on the computer. That way you know where you're supposed to be at all times. We'll get it all taken care of today." Sheryl loved being in charge. 

They filled each other in on what they did for the day and they all decided it would be a good idea to have a weekly meeting to keep tabs on everything and with everyone. Sheryl agreed to set it up each week and remind them all. 

Rafe and Brown left for the night. Blair went into his office to finish making notes on some files he needed to get caught up. He also had an appointment that he didn't mention. When you're a doctor, it's not the same. It's not like you can talk about it. Jim and Joel went upstairs and Joel felt he needed to talk to Jim. 

"Jim, there's something I need to tell you. If you wish me to leave after I say it, I will totally understand." 

"Joel, are you talking about what Simon said when we were leaving? Don't worry about it. He was being an asshole. Stop kicking yourself over something you did that long ago. You're a great man. I'm so proud of everything you do. So now if that's it, why don't we all go out to eat? Would you like to ask Sheryl?" 

"God, am I that transparent?" Joel blushed even under his dark skin. 

"Yeah, Joel you are but she's been looking for someone nice for a long time. Maybe you're going to be her Prince." Jim slapped him on the back as they walked down the stairs. 

"I still worry that I'll let some nice woman down. I haven't had a drink in three years, but I never got past that feeling of loss." Joel looked sad. 

"Maybe you're not ready yet, Joel." Jim suggested. 

"Maybe." Joel was a picture of despair. 

"Oh, fuck it! Joel, you're ready. She likes you, you like her. Take her out a few times and then fuck her brains out." Jim laughed. 

"I would never fuck her brains out." 

"Joel, you need to. They like it, believe me?" Jim teased. 

"You think so?" 

"It's your job. You have to do it." Jim watched his serious friend. 

"Maybe I could take care of that job soon because I want to fuck her brains out big time." 

When they came around the corner on the first floor, Sheryl asked Joel if she could speak to him. 

They went into the conference room and she gave him a blow job. Jim pressed the button for Blair's office and said, "Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get a blow job around here?" 

"Well, if you let me finish with my patient, we'll discuss it." Blair snapped. 

Jim practically ran to the conference room and tapped on the door. Joel opened the door a little bit and said, "Hey, I'm getting lucky. Could we talk later?" 

"Sure. Have fun." Jim walked back up to his office and shut the door. He couldn't believe he had just embarrassed Blair in that way. Joel knocked on his door and walked in and said, "Hey, are we going out to dinner or not?" 

"You go ahead and take Sheryl. I've got some things on my mind." 

"Like what?" Joel inquired. 

Blair walked into his office without knocking and said, "You're an asshole, Ellison. I can't believe you did that. You've never taken my work seriously from the start. I'm moving out." Blair stormed out as fast as he had come in. 

"Come on, Jim. Come with us and tell us what you did." Joel tried to get him to get up but Jim wouldn't move. 

"No, I don't want to go anywhere. God, I can't believe I did that to him." 

"What did you do?" Joel blurted for the second time. 

Jim told him what he did and Joel laughed. Then he apologized for it. "Jim, it's not that big of a deal. Blair will come around." 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Joel. Don't forget we have to see my dad tomorrow." 

"It'll go great. Goodnight, Jim." 

"Night, Joel. Kiss Sheryl for me." 

"Oh by the way, she did want me to fuck her brains out." Joel laughed all the way down the hallway. 

Jim went home after about two hours and undressed and got ready for bed. He was so depressed; it was the first time he had thought about booze in months. Not that he was going to do anything about it. He was just thinking. 

At 4:30 in the morning, Blair came into the bedroom, drunk off his ass. He slid into bed and said, "I'm going to show you who you fucking belong to." 

Jim got hard just thinking about it and then Blair started snoring. 

This is just grand. 

When Jim got up in the morning, Sheryl was up too, so he couldn't talk to Blair. He took his things in the bathroom and showered, shaved and brushed his teeth. He leaned his head against the medicine chest and one tear slid down his face. 

"Is that for me?" Blair asked pointing to the tear. 

"No, Blair. It's for me. I'm feeling sorry for myself." Jim stormed out of the bathroom. 

Blair realized this wasn't going exactly as he had planned. He followed Jim upstairs and started undressing him. 

"Chief, I just got dressed. I have an important meeting with my dad today. Did you forget? Oh that's right; you don't take my job seriously, either." Jim pulled away from Blair and took off for his new SUV. 

Blair sat down at the table and looked sadly at Sheryl. "What the hell happened to our happy home?" 

"Well, for one thing, you took off yesterday and didn't come home until really late. If I was Jim, I would think you had been with someone." 

"Oh man, you think he thinks that?" Blair asked and then looked strangely at Sheryl. "Oh man, you slept with Joel, didn't you?" Blair was smiling, making her feel somewhat better. 

"Yes, I did and I have to tell you, he's really good." She had been dying to tell someone all morning. 

Blair kissed her and said, "I have to get to the office. I'm hoping my SO will talk to me today." 

"Be a good boy all day and he might." 

Jim was sitting in his office and Blair was buzzing him. He ignored it. Then Sheryl buzzed and he answered, "Yes, Sheryl?" 

"Jim, it's very immature to not answer Blair's phone calls." 

"I'm working, Sheryl. Tell him that." Jim slammed the phone down. 

Jim's door flung open about an hour later and Blair stormed in, locking the door behind him. He started to get undressed and Jim said, "What are you doing?" 

"Did you hit your head this morning?" Blair continued taking everything off. He was standing there totally naked and Jim was in shock. 

"Blair, this is our place of business. We can't do this here." Jim turned away and started looking at some paperwork. 

"Do you love me?" Blair asked pitifully. 

"Yes, I love you." 

"Do you want me?" 

Jim pulled Blair's hand down to his hard cock and said, "Answer your question?" 

"So why don't you want me now?" 

"Because we're at work. You told me to take it seriously. So I am." Jim started moving papers from one side of his desk to the other, giving him something to do. 

Blair climbed into Jim's lap and began thrusting against him. After about ten minutes, Jim laid him across his desk and got him ready for the fucking of his life. Blair was going to know who he belonged to. 

Sheryl went up to get Jim's signature on something but heard Jim telling Blair, "You're mine. No one else's. You'll always be mine. I'll take what is mine when and where I feel like it. Tell me, baby." 

"I'm yours. I'm yours. I'll always be yours. But you can't take me anytime you want. What if I'm with a patient?" Blair was serious. 

"Chief, you're ruining the mood." 

"Fuck me, big boy. Show me who's the boss. Show me who loves me." 

Jim fucked him harder than he ever had and hoped that it didn't hurt Blair. Blair came screaming all Bad Boys rock. Jim laughed as he came and said, "And Doc Sandburg's rocks are mine." 

They both laughed as they got dressed. "Jim, are you nervous about your dad coming?" 

"I was. But I'm over it. He'll either like the new me or won't. I don't care." Jim shoved him out of his office and began to open windows to get rid of the sex smell. 

Blair poked his head back in and asked, "What's the deal, you fuck me and toss me aside?" 

Jim almost ran to Blair. This young man made his heart feel so good. "Blair, you know that would never be true. You make my life more meaningful. I love you." 

Blair kissed him and left. 

There was a knock on the door and Jim called, "Come in." 

Brown and Rafe walked in and sat down. "We have clients like you wouldn't believe. We're going to be so busy for the next four weeks; we have no time for you." Rafe said. 

"Oh I bet that upsets you." Jim teased. 

Brown handed him a card and said, "These are our cell phone numbers. We're going to be out of the office all this afternoon. Talk to you when we get in tomorrow morning." 

"Good luck. I'm happy that you're so busy." Jim patted them both on the back as he walked them to the door. 

"And Jim? If you want to lose the smell of sex in your office, you need to keep the door open, too." Rafe almost ran from the doorway as Jim went to whack him on the head. But Jim did as he was told. He kept the door open and when Joel got there he said, "Do you smell anything, Joel?" 

"No. Why?" 

"I could smell something earlier and I was hoping it was gone." Jim hoped he wouldn't ask any more. 

"If you're asking if I can smell you and Blair, the answer is no. It's gone. You're safe." Joel smiled at his friend and partner. 

"I'm nervous. Can you tell?" 

"Nah. It'll be fine, Jim." Joel put his arm around his shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. 

Sheryl buzzed the phone at that moment and said, "Mr. Ellison, the other Mr. Ellison is here for his 2:00 o'clock." 

"Send him up, please, and could you bring us some coffee?" Jim asked very professionally. 

As soon as William was out of range, Sheryl buzzed again and said, "Do I look like your friggin' slave?" 

"Sheryl, please?" Jim was not above begging. 

William walked into the office and said, "You look good, Jimmy." 

"Hello, Dad. This is my partner, Joel Taggert." Then Jim did something he never thought he would do. He hugged his father quickly. 

"It's good to meet you, Mr. Taggert." William held his hand out to shake. 

As they shook hands, Joel said, "Call me Joel, please?" 

"Thank you, Joel. So what do you and Jimmy have planned for this company?" 

"Dad, we're security consultants. It's self-explanatory. We just need to get started." 

"So would you like to have Ellison Enterprises to start with?" William smiled at his son. 

"We would love to, Dad. We'd need to come over and spend a lot of time seeing what needs to be fixed, what needs more work on the computers and anything else we can do." Jim was excited. 

"I would really like to run with this one, Mr. Ellison. We've got appointments all week long and Jim makes a better sales pitch than I do." 

"Sure, Joel. That's fine with me. Do you know what this will run yet?" William finally asked about money. 

"Sir, until I finish the overall view, we won't know how much it will be, but I will keep you informed on a daily basis if you'd like." Joel offered. 

"Why thank you, Joel. You boys are going to do well. I can tell. Joel, how about tomorrow at 9:00 in the morning to start?" And just like that William was gone. 

"Well, we're off." Jim said. 

And Jim realized that they were. This was their new life and it was already going well. There would be bad days, but no doubt there would be more good ones. 

Jim stared out his office window and thought about how things had changed, but they were all for the best. 

What if he had continued to drink and abuse his body? He would either be dead or out of a job. What if he never met Blair? He would be insane, out of a job and lost. What if Joel didn't sponsor him at AA? He would probably be dead. What if he had stayed with Carolyn? She would have driven him to the edge, for sure. What if he would have stayed at Major Crime? He would be desperate. 

So basically, he was happy, healthy, had friends and was in love, not to mention a new job. Jim sat down and started to write a little note to himself about what was good about his new life. 

Changes are good, drinking is not.  
Changes are good, bigots are not.  
Changes are good, so are friends.   
Changes are good, so are AA meetings.  
Changes are good, ex-wives are not.   
Changes are good, so are therapists.  
Changes are good, so is Blair.   
Changes are good, so is the new job.  
Changes are good, but losing friends hurt.  
Changes are good, I really like myself this way.  
Changes are good, love is a good thing. 

He finished writing and left it on his desk. When Blair came up he saw it sitting there and smiled. He waited for Jim to come back from the third floor and when he walked into his office, they both smiled. 

"Jim, I loved your list." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah. Love is a good thing." Blair smiled with such love that it made Jim feel warm inside. 

"It's a hell of a lot better than drowning my sorrows, eh, Chief?" Jim pulled him in for a hug. 

This was their new life and it was good. 

The next day, Sheryl buzzed Jim's office and said, "There is a Mrs. Simon Banks to see you." 

"Send her up, please." 

Jim was waiting at the door and was surprised to see how big Carolyn's belly was. "Good to see you, Carolyn." 

"Jimmy, I need to talk to you." 

"Come in and we'll talk. How are you feeling?" Jim asked with genuine concern. 

"Well, we found out that we're having twins. God, like I wanted two. And the Police Commissioner is being advised by the Police Chief to change his mind on what happened. The Chief wants Simon out of there. I need you to call him and tell him that Simon's doing a fine job and he shouldn't be made to leave." 

"Carolyn, are you on drugs? I'm not going to call the Chief and tell him any such thing. I would love to see his ass run out of Major Crime. I'll leave it in their hands." Jim sounded cold and hard. Her husband had done it to him. 

"Well, in that case, can I move in with you?" Carolyn asked. 

"What? Are you nuts?" 

"I thought maybe we could raise the babies together. I think Sandburg would like having a baby around. Why not ask him." Carolyn was hoping for a miracle. 

"No, Carolyn. You're not moving in. We're not helping you raise the babies or anything else. Simon has a degree, he can teach somewhere. Tell him to do it. Oh but wait a minute, there might be a gay student. Would he treat that student as he did me?" Jim was back to being cold and distant. 

"Jimmy, we had a lot of good times. Don't you love me at all?" 

"No." 

She started to cry as Blair walked into the office. "Carolyn, what's going on?" 

"Blair, he won't let me move into your spare room and raise my babies." 

"Babies? You're having twins? How very cool. I bet Simon's thrilled." Blair was being sarcastic. 

"He's angry and hateful all the time. He doesn't love me at all. Jimmy, please talk to Blair about this." 

"Talk to Blair about what?" Blair asked. 

"She wants to live with us and have us help her raise the babies." Jim rolled his eyes in his head as he spoke. 

Blair had to bite his tongue to keep from roaring. "So you'd still want to have sex with Jim?" 

"Only if you were comfortable with that." she answered. 

"Well, I'm not. He's not. And you're not. Now get the fuck out of our office building. We don't want to see you again." Blair held the door open. 

She stopped in front of him and said, "He'll always want me and love me. It's just one of those things." 

"It's not one of those things. His dick is rewired and he doesn't care for cow cunt anymore. Now get out." 

She stormed out and Blair slammed the door. He looked at Jim and both men burst out laughing. 

"Cow cunt?" Jim could hardly get his breath. 

"Well, I heard that from a friend and had to use it. It worked." 

"Come here?" Jim sat down on the sofa and took Blair into his arms and they began to make out. 

"I love you." Blair whispered. 

"I'm going to show you how much I love you tonight." 

"Now, babe. Now." Blair was already begging and they were only kissing. 

"Not at work, Blair. Let's get our work done and we can get back to love making at home." Jim stood up and kissed Blair one more time. 

When Blair got to the door, Joel was standing there. "Hey, Joel." 

"Hey, Blair, how are things going?" 

"Things are great, other than my babe not giving me sex. He said he wants to keep it out of the office. Can you imagine?" Blair teased. 

"That's not what he said the other night when he told me to fuck Sheryl's brains out in the conference room." 

"No sex for you, big man." Blair said, laughing, as he left the doorway. 

"Thanks, Joel." 

"What are friends for? I came to fill you in on what's going on in Major Crime. I still have some friends there and they keep me posted. Well, the Chief of Police found out what happened and how it was handled and he's firing Simon and two other people who were covering for him." 

"God, so it's true. If you wait, they do come and kick them in the ass." Jim was trying not to laugh. 

"So he's cleaning out his desk right now and will have to pound the pavement soon. And I found out that Carolyn is having twins. Do you believe it? Good things just keep coming to those who wait." This time it was Joel's turn to laugh. 

That night, Jim was cooking dinner and heard Carolyn out in the hallway. He could tell she had been crying. Jim hated when women cried, it always made him feel like shit. 

He opened the door and saw the sad woman and pulled her into his arms. She sobbed harder and louder. He just held on while he listened to his lover come down the stairs and watch them. Blair wasn't happy at all. 

"Carolyn, what are you doing here?" Blair asked. 

"Jimmy, please just hold me." She got closer to him, if that was at all possible. 

"Jim, what are you doing?" Blair asked. 

"Chief, she's crying. She needs me to hold her." 

Jim led her to the sofa and they sat down. "Chief, could you stir dinner? It's almost done." 

Blair shut dinner off and went into the office. He was just getting too pissed watching the two of them together. 

On the sofa, Carolyn kissed his neck softly and he didn't seem to object. Then she began to rub his chest and he really didn't object to that. "Jimmy, feel me." 

She spread her legs and Jim could see she had no panties on. He was torn between feeling her and telling her to fuck off. Carolyn made the decision and took his hand and placed it on her soft pubic hair. Then she pushed his fingers down and he had his finger inside of her. Then she moved his finger in and out and she moaned and Jim thought he was going to come in his pants. 

Jim came to his senses and said, "I don't do this anymore. I love Blair and he loves me." 

Carolyn got up and went into the office and tried it with Blair. They laid on the bed in there and Blair didn't need any help on where his hand went. He did touch her, so well that she came in minutes. Jim was standing in the doorway and said, "Having fun, Chief?" 

"Not yet. I want to fuck her. I want to make her scream. Get the camera, Jim." 

Jim walked back in with the camcorder and she said, "No, I don't want pictures of this." 

"We do." Blair said grinning. 

She got up and said, "You two are insane." 

"This from the person who asked if she could move in with us." Blair said, smiling. 

"Do you want to tell me why you're really here?" Jim asked. 

"Simon got fired and since I'm married to him, they terminated me also. They offered me a job in a different city, but it's not fair." Carolyn was whining so well that Blair was rushing to the kitchen to get her some cheese. 

"And what did you think we could do?" Jim asked. 

"I thought that you could let me move in. That way I could get a divorce and get my old job back." It all seemed so simple to her. 

"You are insane. No, you're not moving in. No, I'm not feeling sorry for you and I hope you have a good trip to the new city." Jim walked over to the stove and stirred everything. 

Once Blair shut the door, he and Jim looked at one another and burst out laughing. 

"Did you want her, babe?" Blair asked. 

"For about two seconds. Then I remembered who I belong to." Jim smiled over at his man. 

"And don't you forget it, big man. You're mine and always will be." Then Jim had to turn the food off, again, because Blair had that look in his eye. That same look that told Jim that he was going to get fucked senseless. Thank god for those looks. 

The guys were going to make it. No matter what seemed to come their way, they overcame it. 

The End


End file.
